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fir st th ey k ille d m y f a th er a d au gh te r o f c a m bodia r e m em bers LO UNG U NG

In m em ory o f th e tw o m illio n p eo ple w ho p eris h ed u nder th e K hm er R ouge r e gim e. T his b ook is d ed ic ate d to m y fa th er, U ng; S en g Im , w ho a lw ays b elie ved in m e; m y m oth er, U ng; A y C houng, w ho a lw ays lo ved m e. T o m y s is te rs K eav, C hou, a n d G eak b ecau se s is te rs a re fo re ver; m y b ro th er K im , w ho ta u gh t m e a b out c o ura ge; m y b ro th er K houy, fo r c o ntr ib utin g m ore th an o ne h undre d p ages o f o ur fa m ily h is to ry a n d d eta ils o f o ur liv es u nder th e K hm er R ouge, m an y o f w hic h I in co rp ora te d in to th is b ook; to m y b ro th er M en g a n d sis te r-in -la w E an g M uy T an , w ho ra is e d m e (q uite w ell) in A m eric a.

c o nte n ts Auth or’s N ote fa m ily c h art 1 975 Phnom P en h April 1 975 The U ng F am ily April 1 975 Tak eo ver April 1 7, 1 975 Evacu atio n April 1 975 Seven -D ay W alk April 1 975 Kra n g T ru op April 1 975 Waitin g S ta tio n Ju ly 1 975 Anglu ngth m or Ju ly 1 975 Ro L eap Novem ber 1 975 Lab or C am ps Jan uary 1 976 New Y ear’s April 1 976 Keav Augu st 1 976 Pa Dece m ber 1 976 Ma’s L ittle M onkey April 1 977 Leavin g H om e May 1 977 Child S o ld ie rs Augu st 1 977 Gold fo r C hic k en Novem ber 1 977 The L ast G ath erin g May 1 978 The W alls C ru m ble Novem ber 1 978 The Y oun In vasio n Jan uary 1 979

The Y oun In vasio n Jan uary 1 979 The F ir st F oste r F am ily Jan uary 1 979 Fly in g B ulle ts Feb ru ary 1 979 Khm er R ouge A tta ck Feb ru ary 1 979 The E xecu tio n Marc h 1 979 Back to B at D en g April 1 979 Fro m C am bodia to V ie tn am Octo ber 1 979 Lam S in g R efu gee C am p Feb ru ary 1 980 Ep ilo gu e Ack now le d gm en ts Reso urc e s P.S Pra is e Als o B y L oung U ng Cop yrig h t About th e P ublis h er



a u th or’s n ote F ro m 1 975 to 1 979— th ro ugh e xecu tio n, sta rv atio n, d is e ase , a n d fo rc e d la b or— th e K hm er R ouge s y ste m atic a lly k ille d a n e stim ate d tw o m illio n C am bodia n s, a lm ost a fo urth o f th e c o untr y ’s p op ula tio n. This is a sto ry o f su rv iv al: m y o w n a n d m y fa m ily ’s . T hough th ese e ven ts co nstitu te m y e xp erie n ce , m y sto ry m ir ro rs th at o f m illio ns o f C am bodia n s. If y o u h ad b een liv in g in C am bodia d urin g th is p erio d, th is w ould b e y o ur s to ry to o.

fa m ily c h art 1 975





p hnom p en h A pril 1 975 P hnom P en h city w ak es e arly to ta k e a d van ta ge o f th e co ol m orn in g b re eze b efo re th e su n b re ak s th ro ugh th e h aze a n d in vad es th e c o untr y w ith sw elte rin g heat. A lr e ad y at 6 A.M . p eo p le in Phnom Pen h are ru sh in g an d b um pin g in to each o th er o n d usty , n arro w sid e str e ets . W aite rs a n d w aitr e sse s in b la ck -a n d-w hite u nifo rm s sw in g o p en sh op d oors as th e aro m a o f n oodle so up gre ets w aitin g cu sto m ers. Str e et v en dors p ush fo od ca rts p ile d w ith ste am ed d um plin gs, sm oked b eef te riy ak i s tic k s, a n d r o aste d p ean uts a lo ng th e s id ew alk s a n d b egin to s e t u p fo r a n oth er d ay o f b usin ess. C hild re n in c o lo rfu l T -s h ir ts a n d sh orts k ic k so cce r b alls o n sid ew alk s w ith th eir b are fe et, ig n orin g th e g ru nts a n d s c re am s o f th e fo od c a rt o w ners. T he w id e b oule vard s s in g w ith th e b uzz o f m oto rc y cle en gin es, sq ueak y b ic y cle s, an d, fo r th ose w ealth y e n ough to a ) ord th em , s m all c a rs. B y m id day, a s te m pera tu re s c lim b to o ver a h undre d d egre es, th e s tr e ets g ro w q uie t a gain . P eo p le r u sh h om e to se ek re lie f fr o m th e h eat, h ave lu nch , ta k e co ld sh ow ers, a n d n ap b efo re r e tu rn in g to w ork a t 2 P .M . My fa m ily liv es o n a th ir d -- oor a p artm en t in th e m id dle o f P hnom P en h, so I a m u se d to th e tr a / c a n d th e n ois e . W e d on’t h ave tr a / c lig h ts o n o ur s tr e ets ; in ste ad , p olic e m en s ta n d o n r a is e d m eta l b oxes, in th e m id dle of th e in te rse ctio ns dir e ctin g tr a / c. Y et th e city alw ays se em s to b e o ne b ig tr a / c ja m . M y fa vo rite w ay to g et a ro und w ith M a is th e c y clo b eca u se th e d riv er c a n m an eu ver it in th e h eavie st tr a / c. A c y clo r e se m ble s a b ig w heelc h air a tta ch ed to th e fr o nt o f a b ic y cle . Y ou ju st ta k e a se at a n d p ay th e d riv er to w heel y o u a ro und w here ver y o u w an t to g o . E ven th ough w e o w n tw o c a rs a n d a tr u ck , w hen M a ta k es m e to th e m ark et w e ofte n go in a cy clo beca u se w e get to our

m e to th e m ark et w e ofte n go in a cy clo beca u se w e get to our d estin atio n fa ste r. S ittin g o n h er la p I b ounce a n d la u gh a s th e d riv er p ed als th ro ugh th e c o ngeste d c ity s tr e ets . This m orn in g, I am stu ck at a noodle sh op a blo ck fr o m our a p artm en t in th is b ig c h air . I’d m uch ra th er b e p la yin g h op sc o tc h w ith m y fr ie n ds. B ig c h air s a lw ays m ak e m e w an t to ju m p o n th em . I h ate th e w ay m y fe et ju st h an g in th e a ir a n d d an gle . T oday, M a h as a lr e ad y w arn ed m e tw ic e n ot to c lim b a n d s ta n d o n th e c h air . I s e ttle fo r s im ply sw in gin g m y le gs b ack a n d fo rth b en eath th e ta b le . Ma a n d P a e n jo y ta k in g u s to a n oodle s h op in th e m orn in g b efo re P a g o es o) to w ork . A s usu al, th e p la ce is Q lle d w ith p eo p le havin g b re ak fa st. T he c la n g a n d c la tte r o f sp oons a gain st th e b otto m o f b ow ls , th e slu rp in g o f h ot te a a n d so up , th e sm ell o f g arlic , cila n tr o , g in ger, a n d b eef b ro th in th e a ir m ak e m y s to m ach r u m ble w ith h unger. A cro ss fr o m u s, a m an u se s c h op stic k s to sh ovel n oodle s in to h is m outh . N ext to h im , a g ir l d ip s a p ie ce o f c h ic k en in to a s m all s a u ce r o f h ois in s a u ce w hile h er m oth er c le an s h er te eth w ith a to oth p ic k . N oodle so up is a tr a d itio nal b re ak fa st fo r C am bodia n s a n d C hin ese . W e u su ally h ave th is , o r fo r a s p ecia l tr e at, F re n ch b re ad w ith ic e d c o ffe e. “S it s till,” M a s a ys a s s h e r e ach es d ow n to s to p m y le g m id sw in g, b ut I e n d u p k ic k in g h er h an d. M a g iv es m e a s te rn lo ok a n d a s w ift s la p o n m y le g. “D on’t y o u e ver sit still? Y ou a re Q ve y ears o ld . Y ou a re th e m ost tr o uble so m e ch ild . W hy ca n ’t y o u b e lik e y o ur sis te rs? H ow w ill y o u e ver g ro w u p to b e a p ro p er y o ung la d y?” M a sig h s. O f c o urse I h ave h eard a ll th is b efo re . It m ust b e h ard fo r h er to h ave a d au gh te r w ho d oes n ot a ct lik e a g ir l, to b e s o b eau tifu l a n d h ave a d au gh te r lik e m e. A m ong h er w om en fr ie n ds, M a is ad m ir e d fo r her heig h t, sle n der build , an d p orc e la in w hite s k in . I o fte n o verh ear th em ta lk in g a b out h er b eau tifu l fa ce w hen th ey th in k sh e ca n not h ear. B eca u se I’m a ch ild , th ey fe el fr e e to sa y w hate ver th ey w an t in fr o nt o f m e, b elie vin g I ca n not u ndersta n d. S o w hile th ey’r e ig n orin g m e, th ey co m men t on her perfe ctly arc h ed e yeb ro w s; alm ond-s h ap ed eyes; ta ll, str a ig h t W este rn n ose ; an d o val fa ce . A t 5 ′6 ″, M a is an am azo n am ong C am bodia n w om en . M a sa ys

fa ce . A t 5 ′6 ″, M a is an am azo n am ong C am bodia n w om en . M a sa ys sh e’s so ta ll beca u se sh e’s all C hin ese . Sh e sa ys th at so m e day m y C hin ese sid e w ill a ls o m ak e m e ta ll. I h op e so , b eca u se n ow w hen I sta n d I’m o nly a s ta ll a s M a’s h ip s. “P rin ce ss M onin eath of Cam bodia , now sh e is fa m ous fo r bein g p ro p er,” M a c o ntin ues. “ It is sa id th at sh e w alk s so q uie tly th at n o o ne e ver h ears h er a p pro ach in g. S h e s m ile s w ith out e ver s h ow in g h er te eth . S h e ta lk s to m en w ith out lo okin g d ir e ctly in th eir e yes. W hat a g ra cio us la d y s h e is .” M a lo oks a t m e a n d s h ak es h er h ead . “H m m … ” is m y re p ly , ta k in g a lo ud sw ig o f C oca -C ola fr o m th e sm all b ottle . Ma sa ys I sto m p a ro und lik e a c o w d yin g o f th ir st. S h e’s tr ie d m an y tim es to te ach m e th e p ro p er w ay fo r a y o ung la d y to w alk . F ir st, y o u c o nnect y o ur h eel to th e g ro und, th en ro ll th e b all o f y o ur fe et o n th e e arth w hile y o ur to es c u rl u p p ain fu lly . F in ally y o u e n d u p w ith y o ur to es g en tly p ush in g y o u o ) th e g ro und. A ll th is is s u p pose d to b e d one g ra ce fu lly , natu ra lly , an d quie tly . It all so unds to o co m plic a te d an d p ain fu l to m e. B esid es, I a m h ap py s to m pin g a ro und. “T he k in d o f tr o uble s h e g ets in to , w hile ju st th e o th er d ay s h e— ”M a c o ntin ues to P a b ut is in te rru p te d w hen o ur w aitr e ss a rriv es w ith o ur so up . “P hnom P en h s p ecia l n oodle s w ith c h ic k en fo r y o u a n d a g la ss o f h ot w ate r,” sa ys th e w aitr e ss a s sh e p uts th e ste am in g b ow l o f tr a n slu ce n t p ota to noodle s sw im min g in cle ar bro th befo re M a. “T w o sp ic y S h an gh ai n oodle s w ith b eef tr ip e a n d te n dons.” B efo re sh e le aves, th e w aitr e ss als o p uts d ow n a p la te Q lle d w ith fr e sh b ean sp ro uts , lim e slic e s, c h op ped s c a llio ns, w hole r e d c h ili p ep pers, a n d m in t le aves. As I a d d s c a llio ns, b ean s p ro uts , a n d m in t le aves to m y s o up , M a d ip s m y s p oon a n d c h op stic k s in to th e h ot w ate r, w ip in g th em d ry w ith h er n ap kin b efo re h an din g th em b ack to m e. “ T hese r e sta u ra n ts a re n ot to o c le an , b ut th e h ot w ate r k ills th e g erm s.” S h e d oes th e s a m e to h er a n d P a’s ta b le w are . W hile M a ta ste s h er c le ar b ro th c h ic k en noodle so up , I d ro p tw o w hole re d ch ili pep pers in m y bow l as Pa lo oks on a p pro vin gly . I c ru sh th e p ep pers a gain st th e sid e o f th e b ow l w ith m y sp oon a n d Q nally m y so up is re ad y to ta ste th e w ay I lik e it. S lo w ly , I

sp oon a n d Q nally m y so up is re ad y to ta ste th e w ay I lik e it. S lo w ly , I slu rp th e bro th an d in sta n ta n eo usly m y to ngu e burn s an d m y nose d rip s. A lo ng tim e ago , Pa to ld m e th at p eo p le liv in g in hot co untr ie s sh ould e at sp ic y fo ods b eca u se it m ak es th em d rin k m ore w ate r. T he m ore w ate r w e d rin k, th e m ore w e sw eat, a n d sw eatin g cle an se s o ur b odie s o f im puritie s. I d on’t u ndersta n d th is , b ut I lik e th e sm ile h e g iv es m e; so I again re ach m y ch op stic k s to w ard th e p ep per dis h , k nock in g o ver th e sa lt sh ak er, w hic h ro lls lik e a fa lle n lo g o nto th e flo or. “S to p w hat y o u’r e d oin g,” M a h is se s. “It w as a n a ccid en t,” P a te lls h er a n d s m ile s a t m e. Ma fr o w ns at Pa an d sa ys, “D on’t yo u en co ura ge her. H ave yo u fo rg o tte n th e c h ic k en Q gh t e p is o de? S h e sa id th at w as a n a ccid en t a ls o a n d n ow lo ok a t h er fa ce .” I ca n ’t b elie ve M a is still a n gry a b out th at. It w as su ch a lo ng tim e a go , w hen w e v is ite d m y u ncle ’s a n d a u nt’s fa rm in th e c o untr y sid e a n d I p la yed w ith th eir n eig h bor’s d au gh te r. S h e a n d I h ad a ch ic k en w e w ould ca rry aro und to h ave Q gh ts w ith th e o th er k id s’ ch ic k en s. M a w ould n’t h ave fo und o ut a b out it if it w ere n ’t fo r th e b ig sc ra tc h th at still s c a rs m y fa ce . “T he fa ct th at s h e g ets h erse lf in a n d o ut o f th ese s itu atio ns g iv es m e h op e. I s e e th em a s c le ar s ig n s o f h er c le vern ess.” P a a lw ays d efe n ds m e — to e very b ody. H e o fte n sa ys th at p eo p le ju st d on’t u ndersta n d h ow c le vern ess w ork s in a c h ild a n d th at a ll th ese tr o uble so m e th in gs I d o a re actu ally sig n s o f str e n gth an d in te llig en ce . W heth er o r n ot P a is rig h t, I b elie ve h im . I b elie ve e very th in g P a te lls m e. If M a is k now n fo r h er b eau ty , P a is lo ved fo r h is g en ero us h eart. A t 5 ′5 ″, h e w eig h s a b out 1 50 p ounds a n d h as a la rg e, sto ck y sh ap e th at c o ntr a sts w ith M a’s lo ng, s le n der fr a m e. P a r e m in ds m e o f a te d dy b ear, so ft a n d b ig a n d e asy to h ug. P a is p art C am bodia n a n d p art C hin ese a n d h as b la ck c u rly h air , a w id e n ose , fu ll lip s, a n d a ro und fa ce . H is e yes a re w arm a n d b ro w n lik e th e e arth , s h ap ed lik e a fu ll m oon. W hat I lo ve m ost a b out P a is th e w ay h e s m ile s n ot o nly w ith h is m outh b ut a ls o w ith h is e yes.

a ls o w ith h is e yes. I lo ve th e sto rie s a b out h ow m y p are n ts m et a n d m arrie d . W hile P a w as a m onk, h e h ap pen ed to w alk acro ss a str e am w here M a w as g ath erin g w ate r w ith her ju g. Pa to ok one lo ok at M a an d w as im med ia te ly sm itte n . M a sa w th at h e w as k in d, str o ng, a n d h an dso m e, a n d sh e e ven tu ally fe ll in lo ve w ith h im . P a q uit th e m onaste ry so h e c o uld a sk h er to m arry h im , a n d sh e sa id y es. H ow ever, b eca u se P a is d ark -s k in ned an d w as very p oor, M a’s p are n ts re fu se d to le t th em m arry . B ut th ey w ere in lo ve a n d d ete rm in ed , so th ey ra n a w ay a n d e lo p ed . They w ere Q nan cia lly sta b le u ntil P a tu rn ed to g am blin g. A t Q rst, h e w as g o od a t it a n d w on m an y tim es. T hen o ne d ay h e w en t to o fa r a n d b et e very th in g o n a g am e— his h ouse a n d a ll h is m oney. H e lo st th at g am e a n d a lm ost lo st h is fa m ily w hen M a th re ate n ed to w alk o ut o n h im if h e d id n ot s to p g am blin g. A fte r th at, P a n ever p la yed c a rd g am es a gain . N ow w e a re a ll fo rb id den to p la y c a rd s o r e ven to b rin g a d eck o f ca rd s h om e. If ca u gh t, e ven I w ill re ce iv e g ra ve p unis h m en t fr o m h im . O th er th an h is g am blin g, P a is e very th in g a g o od fa th er c o uld b e: k in d, g en tle , a n d lo vin g. H e w ork s h ard , a s a m ilita ry p olic e c a p ta in s o I d on’t g et to se e h im a s m uch a s I w an t. M a te lls m e th at h is n ever c a m e fr o m s te p pin g o n e very o ne a lo ng th e w ay. P a n ever fo rg o t w hat it w as lik e to b e p oor, a n d a s a r e su lt, h e ta k es tim e to h elp m an y o th ers in n eed . P eo p le tr u ly r e sp ect a n d lik e h im . “L oung is to o s m art a n d c le ver fo r p eo p le to u ndersta n d,” P a s a ys a n d w in ks a t m e. I b eam a t h im . W hile I d on’t k now a b out th e c le vern ess p art, I d o k now th at I a m cu rio us a b out th e w orld — fr o m w orm s a n d b ugs to c h ic k en fig h ts a n d th e b ra s M a h an gs in h er r o om . “T here y o u g o a gain , e n co ura gin g h er to b eh ave th is w ay.” M a lo oks a t m e, b ut I ig n ore h er a n d c o ntin ue to slu rp m y so up . “ T he o th er d ay sh e w alk ed u p to a s tr e et v en dor s e llin g g rille d fr o g le gs a n d p ro ce ed ed to a sk h im a ll th ese q uestio ns. ‘M is te r, d id y o u c a tc h th e fr o gs fr o m th e p onds in th e co untr y o r d o y o u ra is e th em ? W hat d o y o u fe ed fr o gs? H ow d o y o u sk in a fr o g? D o y o u Q nd w orm s in its sto m ach ? W hat d o y o u d o w ith th e b odie s w hen y o u se ll o nly th e le gs? ’ L oung a sk ed so m an y q uestio ns th at th e v en dor h ad to m ove h is c a rt a w ay fr o m h er. It is ju st n ot p ro p er fo r a g ir l to ta lk s o m uch .”

is ju st n ot p ro p er fo r a g ir l to ta lk s o m uch .” Sq uir m in g aro und in a b ig ch air , M a te lls m e, is als o n ot p ro p er b eh avio r. “I’m fu ll, c a n I g o ?” I a sk , s w in gin g m y le gs e ven h ard er. “A ll rig h t, y o u c a n g o p la y.” M a sa ys w ith a sig h . I ju m p o ut o f th e c h air a n d h ead o ff to m y fr ie n d’s h ouse d ow n th e s tr e et. Though m y sto m ach is fu ll, I still cra ve sa lty sn ack fo od. W ith th e m oney P a g ave m e in m y p ock et, I a p pro ach a fo od c a rt s e llin g r o aste d c ric k ets . T here a re fo od ca rts o n e very co rn er, se llin g e very th in g fr o m rip e m an go es to su garc a n e, fr o m W este rn c a k es to F re n ch c rê p es. T he str e et fo ods a re re ad ily a vaila b le a n d a lw ays ch eap . T hese sta n ds a re v ery p op ula r in C am bodia . It is a c o m mon s ig h t in P hnom P en h to s e e p eo p le o n sid e str e ets sittin g in ro w s o n sq uat sto ols e atin g th eir fo od. C am bodia n s e at c o nsta n tly , a n d e very th in g is th ere to b e s a vo re d if y o u h ave m oney in y o ur p ock et, a s I d o th is m orn in g. Wra p ped in a g re en lo tu s le af, th e b ro w n, g la ze d cric k ets sm ell o f sm oked w ood an d h oney. T hey ta ste lik e sa lty b urn t n uts . Str o llin g slo w ly a lo ng th e sid ew alk , I w atc h m en c ro w d a ro und th e sta n ds w ith th e p re tty y o ung g ir ls a t th em . I r e aliz e th at a w om an ’s p hysic a l b eau ty is im porta n t, th at it n ever h urts b usin ess to h ave a ttr a ctiv e g ir ls se llin g y o ur p ro ducts . A b eau tifu l yo ung w om an tu rn s o th erw is e sm art m en in to g aw kin g b oys. I’v e se en m y o w n b ro th ers b uy sn ack s th ey’d n ever u su ally eat fr o m a p re tty gir l w hile avo id in g d elic io us fo od so ld b y h om ely g ir ls . At Q ve I a ls o k now I a m a p re tty c h ild , fo r I h ave h eard a d ults s a y to M a m an y tim es h ow u gly I a m . “ Is n ’t sh e u gly ?” h er fr ie n ds w ould sa y to h er. W hat b la ck , sh in y h air , lo ok a t h er b ro w n, sm ooth sk in ! T hat h eart-s h ap ed fa ce m ak es one w an t to re ach out an d pin ch th ose d im ple d a p ple c h eek s. L ook a t th ose fu ll lip s a n d h er s m ile ! U gly ! “D on’t te ll m e I a m u gly ! I w ould sc re am a t th em , a n d th ey w ould la u gh . That w as b efo re M a e xp la in ed to m e th at in C am bodia p eo p le d on’t o utr ig h t co m plim en t a ch ild . T hey d on’t w an t to ca ll a tte n tio n to th e c h ild . It is b elie ved th at e vil sp ir its e asily g et je alo us w hen th ey h ear a c h ild b ein g c o m plim en te d , a n d th ey m ay c o m e a n d ta k e a w ay th e c h ild

c h ild b ein g c o m plim en te d , a n d th ey m ay c o m e a n d ta k e a w ay th e c h ild to th e o th er w orld .



th e u ng fa m ily A pril 1 975 W e h ave a b ig fa m ily , n in e in a ll: P a, M a, th re e b oys, a n d fo ur g ir ls . F ortu nate ly , we have a big ap artm en t th at house s every o ne c o m fo rta b ly . O ur a p artm en t is b uilt lik e a tr a in , n arro w in th e fr o nt w ith r o om s e xte n din g o ut to th e b ack . W e h ave m an y m ore r o om s th an th e o th er h ouse s I’v e v is ite d . T he m ost im porta n t ro om in o ur h ouse is th e liv in g ro om , w here w e o fte n w atc h te le vis io n to geth er. It is v ery sp acio us a n d h as a n u nusu ally h ig h ce ilin g to le ave ro om fo r th e lo ft th at m y th re e b ro th ers s h are a s th eir b ed ro om . A s m all h allw ay le ad in g to th e k itc h en sp lits M a an d P a’s b ed ro om fr o m th e ro om m y th re e sis te rs a n d I sh are . T he sm ell o f fr ie d g arlic a n d co oked ric e w lls o ur k itc h en w hen th e fa m ily ta k es th eir u su al p la ce s a ro und a m ah ogan y ta b le w here w e e ach h ave o ur o w n h ig h -b ack ed te ak ch air . F ro m th e k itc h en ce ilin g th e ele ctr ic fa n sp in s co ntin uously , ca rry in g th ese fa m ilia r a ro m as a ll a ro und o ur h ouse — even in to o ur b ath ro om . W e a re v ery m odern — our bath ro om is eq uip ped w ith am en itie s su ch as a flu sh in g to ile t, a n ir o n b ath tu b, a n d r u nnin g w ate r. I know w e are m id dle -c la ss beca u se of our ap artm en t an d th e p osse ssio ns w e h ave. M an y o f m y fr ie n ds liv e in c ro w ded h om es w ith o nly tw o o r th re e ro om s fo r a fa m ily o f te n . M ost w ell-to -d o fa m ilie s liv e in ap artm en ts o r h ouse s a b ove th e g ro und q oor. In P hnom P en h, it se em s th at th e m ore m oney y o u h ave, th e m ore s ta ir s y o u h ave to c lim b to y o ur h om e. M a s a ys th e g ro und le vel is u ndesir a b le b eca u se d ir t g ets in to th e h ouse a n d n osy p eo p le a re a lw ays p eek in g in , so o f co urse o nly p oor p eo p le liv e o n th e g ro und le vel. T he tr u ly im poveris h ed liv e in m ak esh ift te n ts in a re as w here I h ave n ever b een a llo w ed to w an der. So m etim es o n th e w ay to th e m ark et w ith M a, I c a tc h b rie f g lim pse s

So m etim es o n th e w ay to th e m ark et w ith M a, I c a tc h b rie f g lim pse s o f th ese p oor a re as. I w atc h w ith fa sc in atio n a s c h ild re n w ith o ily b la ck h air , w earin g o ld , d ir ty c lo th es ru n u p to o ur c y clo in th eir b are fe et. M an y lo ok a b out th e sa m e siz e a s m e a s th ey ru sh o ver w ith n ak ed y o unger s ib lin gs b ouncin g o n th eir b ack s. E ven fr o m a fa r, I s e e r e d d ir t c o vers th eir fa ce s, n estlin g in th e c re ase s o f th eir n eck s a n d u nder th eir w ngern ails . H old in g u p sm all w ooden ca rv in gs o f th e B uddha, o xen , w ago ns, an d m in ia tu re bam boo q ute s w ith one han d, th ey bala n ce o versiz e d w oven s tr a w b ask ets o n th eir h ead s o r s tr a d dle d o n th eir h ip s a n d p le ad w ith u s to b uy th eir w are s. S o m e h ave n oth in g to se ll a n d a p pro ach u s m urm urin g w ith e xte n ded h an ds. E very tim e, b efo re I c a n m ak e o ut w hat th ey s a y, th e c y clo ’s r u sty b ell c la n gs n ois ily , fo rc in g th e c h ild re n to s c u rry o ut o f o ur w ay. There a re m an y m ark ets in P hnom P en h, so m e b ig a n d o th ers sm all, b ut th eir p ro ducts a re a lw ays sim ila r. T here is th e C en tr a l M ark et, th e R ussia n M ark et, th e O ly m pic M ark et, a n d m an y o th ers. W here p eo p le g o to sh op d ep en ds o n w hic h m ark et is th e c lo se st to th eir h ouse . P a to ld m e th e O ly m pic M ark et w as o nce a b eau tifu l b uild in g. N ow its la ck lu ste r fa çad e is g ra y fr o m m old a n d p ollu tio n, a n d its w alls c ra ck ed fr o m n egle ct. T he gro und th at w as o nce lu sh an d gre en , w lle d w ith b ush es a n d q ow ers, is n ow d ead a n d b urie d u nder o utd oor te n ts a n d fo od c a rts , w here th ousa n ds o f s h op pers tr a verse e very d ay. Under th e b rig h t g re en a n d b lu e p la stic te n ts v en dors se ll e very th in g fr o m fa b ric s w ith str ip es, p ais le y, an d q ow ers to books in C hin ese , K hm er, Englis h , an d Fre n ch . Cra ck ed gre en co co nuts , tin y ban an as, o ra n ge m an go es, an d p in k d ra go n fr u it are o n sa le as are d elic a cie s su ch a s silv er sq uid — th eir b ead y e yes w atc h in g th eir n eig h bors— an d te am s o f b ro w n tig er s h rim p c ra w lin g in w hite p la stic b uck ets . In doors, w here th e te m pera tu re is u su ally te n d egre es c o ole r, w ell-g ro om ed g ir ls in sta rc h ed sh ir ts a n d p le ate d sk ir ts p erc h o n ta ll sto ols b eh in d g la ss s ta lls dis p la yin g g o ld a n d silv er je w elr y . T heir e ars, n eck s, w ngers, a n d h an ds are heavy w ith yello w tw en ty -fo ur-c a ra t go ld je w els as th ey b eck on yo u o ver to th eir co unte rs. A co up le o f fe et acro ss fr o m th e w om en , b eh in d y ello w , fe ath erle ss c h ic k en s h an gin g fr o m h ooks, m en in b lo ody a p ro ns r a is e th eir c le avers a n d c u t in to s la b s o f b eef w ith th e p re cis io n o f m an y y ears’ p ra ctic e . F arth er a w ay fr o m th e m eat v en dors,

p re cis io n o f m an y y ears’ p ra ctic e . F arth er a w ay fr o m th e m eat v en dors, fa sh io nab le yo uth s w ith th in Elv is Pre sle y sid eb urn s in bell-b otto m p an ts a n d c o rd uro y ja ck ets p la y lo ud C am bodia n p op m usic fr o m th eir e ig h t-tr a ck ta p e p la yers. T he s o ngs a n d th e s h outin g v en dors b ounce o ~ o f e ach o th er, a ll v yin g fo r y o ur a tte n tio n. Late ly , M a h as sto p ped ta k in g m e to th e m ark et w ith h er. B ut I still w ak e u p e arly to w atc h a s sh e se ts h er h air in h ot ro lle rs a n d a p plie s h er m ak eu p . I p le ad w ith h er to ta k e m e, a s s h e s lip s in to h er b lu e s ilk sh ir t a n d m aro on s a ro ng. I b eg h er to b uy m e c o okie s w hile s h e p uts o n h er g o ld n eck la ce , ru by e arrin gs, a n d b ra ce le ts . A fte r d ab bin g p erfu m e a ro und h er n eck , M a y ells to o ur m aid to lo ok a fte r m e a n d le aves fo r th e m ark et. Beca u se w e d o n ot h ave a re fr ig era to r, M a sh op s e very m orn in g. M a lik es it th is w ay b eca u se e very th in g w e e at e ach d ay is a t its fr e sh est. T he p ork , b eef, an d ch ic k en sh e b rin gs b ack is p ut in a tr u nk-s iz e d c o ole r w lle d w ith b lo ck s o f ic e b ough t fr o m th e ic e sh op d ow n th e str e et. W hen sh e re tu rn s h ot a n d fa tig u ed fr o m a d ay o f sh op pin g, th e w rst th in g s h e d oes, fo llo w in g C hin ese c u ltu re , is to ta k e o ~ h er s a n dals a n d le ave th em a t th e d oor. S h e th en sta n ds in h er b are fe et o n th e c e ra m ic tile q oor a n d b re ath es a s ig h o f r e lie f a s th e c o oln ess o f th e tile flo w s th ro ugh th e s o le s o f h er fe et. At n ig h t, I lik e to s it o ut o n o ur b alc o ny w ith P a a n d w atc h th e w orld b elo w u s p ass b y. F ro m o ur b alc o ny, m ost o f P hnom P en h lo om s o nly tw o o r th re e sto rie s h ig h , w ith fe w b uild in gs sta n din g a s ta ll a s e ig h t. T he b uild in gs a re n arro w , c lo se ly b uilt, a s th e c ity ’s p erim ete r is lo nger th an it is w id e, s tr e tc h in g tw o m ile s a lo ng th e T onle S ap R iv er. T he c ity o w es its u ltr a m odern lo ok to th e F re n ch co lo nia l b uild in gs th at are ju xta p ose d w ith th e d in gy, s o ot-c o vere d g ro und-le vel h ouse s. In th e d ark , th e w orld is q uie t a n d u nhurrie d a s s tr e etlig h ts q ic k er o n a n d o ~ . R esta u ra n ts c lo se th eir d oors a n d fo od c a rts d is a p pear in to s id e str e ets . S o m e c y clo d riv ers c lim b in to th eir c y clo to sle ep w hile oth ers c o ntin ue to p ed dle a ro und, lo okin g fo r fa re s. S o m etim es w hen I fe el b ra ve, I w alk o ver to th e e d ge o f th e r a ilin g a n d lo ok d ow n a t th e lig h ts b elo w . W hen I’m v ery b ra ve, I c lim b o nto th e r a ilin g, h old in g o n to th e b an is te r v ery tig h tly . W ith m y w hole b ody su p porte d b y th e ra ilin g I d are m yse lf to lo ok a t m y to es a s th ey h an g a t th e e d ge o f th e w orld . A s

d are m yse lf to lo ok a t m y to es a s th ey h an g a t th e e d ge o f th e w orld . A s I lo ok d ow n a t th e c a rs a n d b ic y cle s b elo w , a tin glin g se n sa tio n ru sh es to m y to es, m ak in g th em fe el as if a th ousa n d little p in s are gen tly p ric k in g th em . S o m etim es, I ju st h an g th ere a gain st th e ra ilin g, le ttin g g o o f th e b an is te r alto geth er, str e tc h in g m y arm s u p h ig h ab ove m y h ead . M y a rm s lo ose a n d q ap pin g in th e w in d, I p re te n d th at I a m a d ra go n qyin g hig h ab ove th e city . The balc o ny is a sp ecia l pla ce b eca u se it’s w here P a a n d I o fte n h ave im porta n t c o nversa tio ns. When I w as s m all, m uch y o unger th an I a m n ow , P a to ld m e th at in a c e rta in C hin ese d ia le ct m y n am e, L oung, tr a n sla te s in to “d ra go n.” H e sa id th at d ra go ns a re th e a n im als o f th e g o ds, if n ot g o ds th em se lv es. D ra go ns a re v ery p ow erfu l a n d w is e a n d c a n o fte n se e in to th e fu tu re . H e a ls o e xp la in ed th at, lik e in th e m ovie s, o cca sio nally o ne o r tw o b ad d ra go ns ca n co m e to earth an d w re ak h avo c o n th e p eo p le , th ough m ost a ct a s o ur p ro te cto rs. “W hen K im w as b orn I w as o ut w alk in g,” P a sa id a fe w n ig h ts a go . “ A ll o f a su dden , I lo oked u p an d sa w th ese b eau tifu l p u~ y w hite c lo uds m ovin g to w ard m e. It w as a s if th ey w ere fo llo w in g m e. T hen th e c lo uds b egan to ta k e th e s h ap e o f a b ig , w erc e -lo okin g d ra go n. T he d ra go n w as tw en ty o r th ir ty fe et lo ng, h ad fo ur little le gs, a n d w in gs th at sp re ad h alf its b ody le n gth . T w o c u rly h orn s g re w o ut o f its h ead a n d s h ot o ~ in o p posite d ir e ctio ns. Its w his k ers w ere w ve fe et lo ng a n d sw ayed g en tly b ack a n d fo rth a s if d oin g a rib bon d an ce . S u dden ly it sw oop ed d ow n n ext to m e a n d sta re d a t m e w ith its e yes, w hic h w ere a s b ig a s tir e s. ‘Y ou w ill h ave a s o n, a s tr o ng a n d h ealth y s o n w ho w ill g ro w u p to d o m an y w onderfu l th in gs.’ A nd th at is h ow I h eard o f th e n ew s a b out K im .” P a to ld m e th e d ra go n v is ite d h im m an y tim es, a n d e ach tim e it g ave h im m essa ges a b out o ur b ir th s. S o h ere I a m , m y h air d an cin g a b out lik e w his k ers b eh in d m e, a n d m y h an ds q ap pin g lik e w in gs, fly in g a b ove th e w orld u ntil P a s u m mons m e a w ay. Ma s a ys I a sk to o m an y q uestio ns. W hen I a sk w hat P a d oes a t w ork , sh e te lls m e h e is a m ilita ry p olic e m an . H e h as fo ur str ip es o n h is u nifo rm , w hic h m ean s he m ak es go od m oney. M a th en sa id th at so m eo ne o nce tr ie d to k ill h im b y p uttin g a b om b in o ur tr a sh ca n w hen I w as o ne o r tw o y ears o ld . I h ave n o m em ory o f th is a n d a sk , “ W hy w ould s o m eo ne w an t to k ill h im ?” I a sk ed h er.

w ould s o m eo ne w an t to k ill h im ?” I a sk ed h er. “W hen th e p la n es sta rte d d ro p pin g b om bs in th e c o untr y sid e, m an y p eo p le m oved to P hnom P en h. O nce h ere , th ey co uld n ot w nd w ork a n d th ey b la m ed th e g o vern m en t. T hese p eo p le d id n’t k now P a, b ut th ey th ough t a ll o ( ce rs w ere c o rru p t a n d b ad . S o th ey ta rg ete d a ll th e h ig h -r a n kin g o ffic e rs.” “W hat a re b om bs? W ho’s d ro p pin g th em ?” “Y ou’l l h ave to a sk P a th at,” s h e r e p lie d . Late r th at e ven in g, o ut o n th e b alc o ny, I a sk ed P a a b out th e b om bs d ro p pin g in th e co untr y sid e. H e to ld m e th at C am bodia is w gh tin g a c iv il w ar, a n d th at m ost C am bodia n s d o n ot liv e in c itie s b ut in ru ra l v illa ges, fa rm in g th eir sm all p lo t o f la n d. A nd b om bs a re m eta l b alls d ro p ped fr o m a ir p la n es. W hen th ey e xp lo de, th e b om bs m ak e cra te rs in th e e arth th e siz e o f sm all p onds. T he b om bs k ill fa rm in g fa m ilie s, d estr o y th eir la n d, a n d d riv e th em o ut o f th eir h om es. N ow h om ele ss a n d h ungry , th ese p eo p le co m e to th e city se ek in g sh elte r a n d h elp . F in din g n eith er, th ey a re a n gry a n d ta k e it o ut o n a ll o ( ce rs in th e g o vern m en t. H is w ord s m ad e m y h ead s p in a n d m y h eart b eat r a p id ly . “W hy a re th ey d ro p pin g th e b om bs? ” I a sk ed h im . “C am bodia is w gh tin g a w ar th at I d o n ot u ndersta n d an d th at is e n ough o f y o ur q uestio ns,” h e s a id a n d b eca m e q uie t. The exp lo sio n fr o m th e b om b in o ur tr a sh ca n k nock ed d ow n th e w alls o f o ur k itc h en , b ut lu ck ily n o o ne w as h urt. T he p olic e n ever fo und o ut w ho p ut th e b om b th ere . M y h eart is s ic k a t th e th ough t th at so m eo ne a ctu ally tr ie d to h urt P a. If o nly th ese n ew p eo p le in th e c ity c o uld u ndersta n d th at P a is a v ery n ic e m an , so m eo ne w ho’s a lw ays w illin g to h elp o th ers, th ey w ould n ot w an t to h urt h im . Pa w as born in 1931 in T ro N uon, a sm all, ru ra l villa ge in th e K am pong C ham p ro vin ce . B y v illa ge sta n dard s, h is fa m ily w as w ell-to - d o a n d P a w as g iv en e very th in g h e n eed ed . W hen h e w as tw elv e y ears o ld , h is fa th er d ie d a n d h is m oth er r e m arrie d . P a’s s te p fa th er w as o fte n d ru nk a n d w ould p hysic a lly a b use h im . A t e ig h te en , P a le ft h om e a n d w en t to liv e in a B uddhis t te m ple to g et a w ay fr o m h is v io le n t h om e, fu rth er his stu dy, an d even tu ally beca m e a m onk. H e to ld m e th at d urin g h is life a s a m onk, w here ver h e w alk ed h e h ad to c a rry a b ro om

d urin g h is life a s a m onk, w here ver h e w alk ed h e h ad to c a rry a b ro om a n d d ustp an to sw eep th e p ath in fr o nt o f h im so a s n ot to k ill a n y liv in g th in gs b y ste p pin g o n th em . A fte r le avin g th e m onastic o rd er to m arry M a, P a jo in ed th e p olic e fo rc e . H e w as s o g o od h e w as p ro m ote d to th e Cam bodia n Royal Secre t Serv ic e under Prin ce Noro dom S ih an ouk. A s a n a gen t, P a w ork ed u nderc o ver a n d p ose d a s a c iv ilia n to g ath er in fo rm atio n fo r th e g o vern m en t. H e w as v ery s e cre tiv e a b out h is w ork . T hin kin g h e c o uld fa re b ette r in th e p riv ate s e cto r, h e e ven tu ally q uit th e fo rc e to g o in to b usin ess w ith fr ie n ds. A fte r P rin ce S ih an ouk’s g o vern m en t fe ll in 1 970, h e w as c o nsc rip te d in to th e n ew g o vern m en t o f L on N ol. T hough p ro m ote d to a m ajo r b y th e L on N ol g o vern m en t, P a sa id h e d id n ot w an t to jo in b ut h ad to , o r h e w ould ris k b ein g p erse cu te d , b ra n ded a tr a ito r, a n d p erh ap s e ven k ille d . “W hy? Is it lik e th is in o th er p la ce s? ” I a sk ed h im . “N o,” h e sa ys, str o kin g m y h air . “Y ou a sk a lo t o f q uestio ns.” T hen th e c o rn er o f h is m outh tu rn s u p sid e d ow n a n d h is e yes le ave m y fa ce . W hen h e s p eak s a gain , h is v o ic e is w eary a n d d is ta n t. “In m an y co untr ie s, it’s n ot th at w ay,” h e sa ys. “In a co untr y ca lle d A m eric a it is n ot th at w ay.” “W here is A m eric a ?” “It’s a p la ce fa r, fa r a w ay fr o m h ere , a cro ss m an y o ce an s.” “A nd in A m eric a , P a, y o u w ould n ot b e fo rc e d to jo in th e a rm y?” “N o, th ere tw o p olitic a l p artie s r u n th e c o untr y . O ne s id e is c a lle d th e D em ocra ts a n d th e o th er th e R ep ublic a n s. D urin g th eir w gh ts , w hic h ever sid e w in s, th e o th er sid e h as to lo ok fo r d i~ ere n t jo bs. F or e xam ple , if th e D em ocra ts w in , th e R ep ublic a n s lo se th eir jo bs a n d o fte n h ave to g o e ls e w here to w nd n ew jo bs. It is n ot th is w ay in C am bodia n ow . If th e R ep ublic a n s lo st th eir wgh ts in Cam bodia , th ey w ould all have to b eco m e D em ocra ts o r r is k p unis h m en t.” Our c o nversa tio n is in te rru p te d w hen m y o ld est b ro th er jo in s u s o n th e b alc o ny. M en g is e ig h te en a n d a d ore s u s y o unger c h ild re n . L ik e P a, h e is very so ft-s p oken , gen tle , an d giv in g. M en g is a re sp onsib le , re lia b le ty p e w ho w as th e v ale d ic to ria n o f h is c la ss. P a ju st b ough t h im a c a r, a n d it s e em s h e u se s it to d riv e h is b ooks a ro und in ste ad o f g ir ls . B ut M en g d oes h ave a g ir lfr ie n d, a n d th ey a re to b e m arrie d w hen h e

B ut M en g d oes h ave a g ir lfr ie n d, a n d th ey a re to b e m arrie d w hen h e re tu rn s fr o m F ra n ce w ith h is d egre e. H e w as to le ave fo r F ra n ce o n A pril 1 4 to g o c o lle ge, b ut b eca u se th e th ir te en th w as N ew Y ear’s , P a le t h im s ta y fo r th e c e le b ra tio n. While M en g is th e b ro th er w e lo ok u p to , K houy is th e b ro th er w e fe ar. K houy is six te en an d m ore in te re ste d in gir ls an d kara te th an b ooks. H is m oto rc y cle is m ore th an a tr a n sp orta tio n v eh ic le ; it is a g ir l m agn et. H e fa n cie s h im se lf e xtr e m ely c o ol a n d su ave, b ut I k now th at h e is m ean . In C am bodia , if th e fa th er is busy w ith w ork an d th e m oth er is busy w ith bab ie s an d sh op pin g, th e re sp onsib ility of d is c ip lin in g a n d p unis h in g th e y o unger s ib lin gs o fte n fa lls o n th e o ld est c h ild . In o ur fa m ily , b eca u se n one o f u s fe ar M en g, th is ro le fa lls to K houy, w ho is n ot easily d is su ad ed b y o ur ch arm s o r excu se s. E ven th ough h e’s n ever c a rrie d o ut h is th re at to h it u s, w e a ll fe ar h im a n d a lw ays d o w hat h e s a ys. My o ld est sis te r, K eav, is a lr e ad y b eau tifu l a t fo urte en . M a sa ys sh e w ill h ave m an y m en s e ek in g h er h an d in m arria ge a n d c a n p ic k a n yo ne sh e w an ts . H ow ever, M a a ls o sa ys th at K eav h as th e m is fo rtu ne to lik e to g o ssip a n d a rg u e to o m uch . T his tr a it is n ot c o nsid ere d la d ylik e. A s M a se ts to w ork sh ap in g K eav in to a g re at la d y, P a h as m ore se rio us w orrie s. H e w an ts to keep her sa fe . H e know s th at p eo p le are so d is c o nte n t th ey a re ta k in g th eir a n ger o ut o n th e g o vern m en t o ( ce rs’ fa m ilie s. M an y o f h is c o lle agu es’ d au gh te rs h ave b een h ara sse d o n th e str e ets o r e ven k id nap ped . P a is s o a fr a id s o m eth in g w ill h ap pen to h er th at h e h as tw o m ilita ry p olic e m en fo llo w h er e very w here s h e g o es. Kim , w hose nam e in Chin ese m ean s “g o ld ,” is m y te n -y ear-o ld b ro th er. M a n ic k nam ed h im th e little m onkey” b eca u se h e is sm all, a gile , a n d q uic k o n h is fe et. H e w atc h es a lo t o f C hin ese m artia l a rts m ovie s a n d a n noys u s w ith h is im ita tio ns o f th e m ovie s’ m onkey s ty le . I u se d to th in k h e w as w eir d , b ut h avin g m et o th er g ir ls w ith b ro th ers h is a ge, I r e aliz e th at o ld er b ro th ers a re a ll th e s a m e. T heir w hole p urp ose fo r b ein g is to p ic k o n y o u a n d p ro vo ke y o u. Chou, m y o ld er s is te r b y th re e y ears, is th e c o m ple te o p posite o f m e. H er n am e m ean s “g em ” in C hin ese . A t eig h t, sh e is q uie t, sh y, an d o bed ie n t. M a is a lw ays c o m parin g u s a n d a sk in g w hy I c a n not b eh ave n ic e ly lik e her. U nlik e th e re st of us, C hou ta k es afte r Pa an d has

n ic e ly lik e her. U nlik e th e re st of us, C hou ta k es afte r Pa an d has u nusu ally d ark sk in . M y o ld er b ro th ers k id h er a b out h ow sh e re ally is n ’t o ne o f u s. T hey te ase h er a b out h ow P a fo und h er a b an doned n ear o ur tr a sh ca n a n d a d op te d h er o ut o f p ity . I a m n ext in lin e a n d a t w ve, I a m a lr e ad y a s b ig a s C hou. M ost o f m y sib lin gs re gard m e a s b ein g sp oile d a n d a tr o uble m ak er, b ut P a sa ys I a m re ally a d ia m ond in th e ro ugh . B ein g a B uddhis t, P a b elie ves in v is io ns, en erg y w eld s, se ein g p eo p le ’s au ra , an d th in gs o th er p eo p le m ig h t v ie w a s su p erstitio us. A n a u ra is a c o lo r th at y o ur b ody e xu des a n d te lls th e o bse rv er w hat k in d o f p erso n y o u a re ; b lu e m ean s h ap py, p in k is lo vin g, a n d b la ck is m ean . H e s a ys th ough m ost c a n not s e e it, a ll p eo p le w alk a ro und in a b ubble th at e m its a v ery c le ar c o lo r. P a te lls m e th at w hen I w as b orn h e sa w a b rig h t re d a u ra su rro undin g m e, w hic h m ean s I w ill b e a p assio nate p erso n. T o th at, M a to ld h im a ll b ab ie s a re b orn r e d . Geak is m y y o unger sis te r w ho is th re e y ears o ld . In C hin ese G eak m ean s “ ja d e,” th e m ost p re cio us a n d lo ved o f a ll g em s to A sia n s. S h e is b eau tifu l a n d e very th in g sh e d oes is a d ora b le , in clu din g th e w ay sh e d ro ols . T he e ld ers a re a lw ays p in ch in g h er c h ubby c h eek s, m ak in g th em p in k, w hic h th ey s a y is a s ig n o f g re at h ealth . I th in k it is a s ig n o f g re at p ain . D esp ite th is , s h e is a h ap py b ab y. I w as th e c ra n ky o ne. As M en g a n d P a ta lk , I le an a gain st th e r a ilin g a n d lo ok a t th e m ovie th eate r a cro ss th e str e et fr o m o ur a p artm en t b uild in g. I g o to a lo t o f m ovie s a n d b eca u se o f w ho P a is , th e th eate r o w ner le ts u s k id s in fo r fr e e. W hen P a g o es w ith u s, h e a lw ays in sis ts w e p ay fo r o ur tic k ets . F ro m o ur b alc o ny I c a n se e a b ig b illb oard o ver th e th eate r p ortr a yin g th is w eek ’s m ovie . T he billb oard sh ow s a la rg e p ic tu re of a p re tty y o ung w om an w ith w ild , m essy h air an d te ars str e am in g d ow n h er c h eek s. H er h air , a t a c lo se r in sp ectio n, is a ctu ally m an y little w rith in g sn ak es. T he b ack gro und d ep ic ts v illa gers th ro w in g sto nes a t h er a s sh e ru ns a w ay w hile tr y in g to c o ver h er h ead w ith a tr a d itio nal K hm er s c a rf c a lle d a “ k ro m a.” The str e et b elo w m e is q uie t n ow , exce p t fo r th e so und o f str a w b ro om s sw eep in g th e day’s litte r in to sm all pile s on sid e str e ets . M om en ts la te r, an o ld m an an d a yo ung b oy co m e b y w ith a la rg e w ooden ca rt. W hile th e m an acce p ts a fe w sh eets of rie l fr o m th e

w ooden ca rt. W hile th e m an acce p ts a fe w sh eets of rie l fr o m th e sto re fr o nt o w ner, th e b oy sh ovels th e g arb age o nto th e c a rt. A fte r th ey a re d one, th e o ld m an a n d th e b oy p ull th e ca rt to th e n ext p ile o f g arb age. In sid e our ap artm en t, Kim , Chou, Geak , an d M a sit w atc h in g te le vis io n in th e liv in g ro om while Khouy an d Keav do th eir h om ew ork . B ein g a m id dle -c la ss fa m ily m ean s th at w e h ave a lo t m ore m oney a n d p osse ssio ns th an m an y o th ers d o. W hen m y fr ie n ds co m e o ver to p la y, th ey a ll lik e o ur c u ck oo c lo ck . A nd w hile m an y p eo p le o n o ur s tr e et d o n ot h ave a te le p hone, a n d th ough I a m n ot a llo w ed to u se o ne, w e h ave tw o. In o ur liv in g r o om , w e h ave a v ery ta ll g la ss c a b in et w here M a k eep s a lo t o f p la te s an d little o rn am en ts , b ut esp ecia lly all th e d elic io us, p re tty ca n die s. W hen M a is in th e ro om , I o fte n sta n d in fr o nt o f th e c a b in et, m y palm s pre ssin g qat again st th e gla ss, dro olin g at th e c a n die s. I lo ok a t h er w ith p le ad in g e yes, h op in g s h e w ill fe el b ad a n d g iv e m e so m e. S o m etim es th is w ork s, b ut o th er tim es sh e ch ase s m e a w ay w ith a sw at to th e b otto m , c o m pla in s a b out m y d ir ty h an dp rin ts o n h er g la ss, a n d s a ys th at I c a n ’t h ave th e c a n die s b eca u se th ey a re fo r g u ests . Asid e fr o m o ur m oney a n d p osse ssio ns, m id dle -c la ss fa m ilie s, fr o m w hat I c a n s e e, h ave a lo t m ore le is u re tim e. W hile P a g o es o ~ to w ork a n d w e c h ild re n to sc h ool e very m orn in g, M a d oes n ot h ave to o m uch to d o. W e h ave a m aid w ho co m es to o ur h ouse e very d ay to d o th e la u ndry , c o okin g, a n d c le an in g. U nlik e o th er c h ild re n I d on’t h ave to d o a n y ch ore s b eca u se o ur m aid d oes th em fo r u s. H ow ever, I d o w ork h ard b eca u se P a m ak es u s g o to sc h ool a ll th e tim e. E ach m orn in g a s C hou, K im , a n d I w alk to sc h ool to geth er, w e se e m an y ch ild re n n ot m uch old er th an I am in th e str e ets se llin g th eir m an go es, p la stic q ow ers m ad e fr o m c o lo rfu l s tr a w s, a n d n ak ed p in k p la stic B arb ie d olls . L oyal to m y fe llo w k id s, I a lw ays b uy fr o m th e ch ild re n a n d n ot th e a d ults . I b egin m y s c h ool d ay in a F re n ch c la ss; in th e a fte rn oon, it’s C hin ese ; a n d in th e e ven in g, I a m b usy w ith m y K hm er c la ss. I d o th is s ix d ays a w eek , a n d o n S u nday, I h ave to d o m y h om ew ork . P a te lls u s e very d ay th at o ur n um ber o ne p rio rity is to g o to s c h ool a n d le arn to s p eak m an y

th at o ur n um ber o ne p rio rity is to g o to s c h ool a n d le arn to s p eak m an y la n gu ages. H e sp eak s q uen t F re n ch an d sa ys th at’s h ow h e’s ab le to su cce ed in his ca re er. I lo ve lis te n in g to Pa sp eak Fre n ch to his c o lle agu es an d th at’s w hy I lik e le arn in g th e la n gu age, even if th e te ach er is m ean a n d I d on’t lik e h er. E very m orn in g, s h e m ak es u s s ta n d sin gle w le fa cin g h er. H old in g o ur h an ds str a ig h t o ut, sh e in sp ects o ur n ails to se e if th ey are cle an , an d if not, hits our han ds w ith her p oin tin g stic k . S o m etim es sh e w on’t le t m e g o to th e b ath ro om u ntil I a sk p erm is sio n in F re n ch . “M ad am , p uis j’a lle r a u to ile t? ” T he o th er d ay s h e th re w a p ie ce o f c h alk a t m e b eca u se I w as fa llin g a sle ep . T he c h alk h it me o n m y n ose a n d e very o ne la u gh ed a t m e. I ju st w is h sh e w ould te ach u s th e la n gu age a n d n ot b e s o m ean . I d on’t e n jo y g o in g to s c h ool a ll th e tim e s o I o cca sio nally s k ip s c h ool a n d sta y a t th e p la ygro und a ll d ay, b ut I d on’t te ll P a. O ne th in g I d o lik e a b out sc h ool is th e u nifo rm I g et to w ear th is y ear. M y u nifo rm c o nsis ts o f a w hite sh ir t w ith p u~ y, sh ort sle eves an d a sh ort, b lu e p le ate d s k ir t. I th in k it is v ery p re tty , th ough s o m etim es I w orry th at m y sk ir t is to o sh ort. A fe w d ays a go , w hile I w as p la yin g h op sc o tc h w ith m y fr ie n ds, a b oy c a m e o ver a n d tr ie d to lift u p m y s k ir t. I w as s o a n gry th at I p ush ed h im r e ally h ard , h ard er th an I th ough t I c o uld . H e fe ll a n d I r a n a w ay, m y k nees w eak . I th in k th e b oy is a fr a id o f m e n ow . Most S u ndays a fte r w e’v e w nis h ed a ll o ur h om ew ork , P a re w ard s u s b y ta k in g us sw im min g at th e clu b. I lo ve to sw im , but I am not a llo w ed in th e d eep e n d. T he p ool a t th e c lu b is v ery b ig , so e ven in th e sh allo w e n d th ere is p le n ty o f ro om to p la y a n d sp la sh w ate r in C hou’s fa ce . A fte r M a h elp s m e p ut o n m y b ath in g s u it, w hic h is a v ery sh ort p in k d re ss w ith th e le gs se w n in , sh e a n d P a g o to th e se co nd q oor a n d h ave th eir lu nch . W ith K eav k eep in g a n e ye o n u s, P a a n d M a w ave fr o m th eir ta b le b eh in d th e g la ss w in dow . T his is th e w rst tim e I sa w a B ara n g. “C hou, h e is s o b ig a n d w hite !” I s to p s p la sh in g w ate r lo ng e n ough to w his p er to h er. “H e’s a B ara n g. It m ean s h e’s a w hite m an .” C hou sa ys w ith a sm ir k , tr y in g to s h ow o ff h er a ge. I sta re a t th e B ara n g a s h e w alk s o nto th e d iv in g b oard . H e is m ore

I sta re a t th e B ara n g a s h e w alk s o nto th e d iv in g b oard . H e is m ore th an a fo ot ta lle r th an P a, w ith v ery h air y lo ng a rm s a n d le gs. H e h as a lo ng, a n gu la r fa ce a n d a ta ll, th in n ose lik e a h aw k. H is w hite sk in is c o vere d w ith sm all b la ck , b ro w n, an d even re d d ots . H e w ears o nly u nderw ear a n d a ta n ru bber ca p o n h is h ead , w hic h m ak es h im lo ok b ald . H e d iv es o ~ th e d iv in g b oard , en te r th e w ate r e~ ortle ssly , an d c re ate s v ery little s p la sh in g. As w e w atc h th e B ara n g q oat o n h is b ack in th e w ate r, K eav c h id es C hou fo r g iv in g m e th e w ro ng in fo rm atio n. D ip pin g h er fr e sh ly p ain te d re d to en ails in a n d o ut o f th e w ate r, sh e te lls u s “ B ara n g” m ean s h e’s F re n ch . B eca u se th e F re n ch h ave b een in C am bodia s o lo ng, w e c a ll a ll w hite p eo p le “B ara n g,” b ut th ey ca n b e fr o m m an y o th er co untr ie s, in clu din g A m eric a .



ta k eo ver A pril 1 7, 1 975 It is a fte rn oon a n d I a m p la yin g h op sc o tc h w ith m y fr ie n ds o n th e s tr e et in fr o nt o f o ur a p artm en t. U su ally o n a T hursd ay I w ould b e in s c h ool, b ut fo r s o m e r e aso n P a h as k ep t u s a ll h om e to day. I s to p p la yin g w hen I h ear th e th under o f e n gin es in th e d is ta n ce . E very o ne su dden ly sto p s w hat th ey are d oin g to w atc h th e tr u ck s ro ar in to o ur city . M in ute s la te r, th e m ud-c o vere d o ld tr u ck s h eave a n d b ounce a s th ey p ass s lo w ly in fr o nt o f o ur h ouse . G re en , g ra y, b la ck , th ese c a rg o tr u ck s sw ay b ack a n d fo rth o n b ald tir e s, sp ittin g o ut d ir t a n d e n gin e sm oke a s th ey ro ll o n. In th e b ack o f th e tr u ck s, m en w earin g fa d ed b la ck lo ng p an ts a n d lo ng-s le eve b la ck sh ir ts , w ith re d sa sh es cin ch ed tig h tly aro und th eir w ais ts a n d r e d s c a rv es tie d a ro und th eir fo re h ead s, s ta n d b ody to b ody. T hey r a is e th eir H sts to th e s k y a n d c h eer. M ost lo ok y o ung a n d a ll a re th in an d d ark -s k in ned , lik e th e p easa n t w ork ers at o ur u ncle Is fa rm , w ith g re asy lo ng h air J ow in g p ast th eir sh ould ers. L ong, g re asy h air is u nacce p ta b le fo r g ir ls in C am bodia a n d is a s ig n th at o ne d oes n ot ta k e c a re o f h er a p peara n ce . M en w ith lo ng h air a re lo oked d ow n u p on a n d re gard ed w ith su sp ic io n. It is b elie ved th at m en w ho w ear th eir h air lo ng m ust h ave s o m eth in g to h id e. Desp ite th eir a p peara n ce , th e c ro w d g re ets th eir a rriv al w ith c la p pin g a n d ch eerin g. A nd a lth ough a ll th e m en a re H lth y, th e e xp re ssio n o n th eir fa ce s is o f s h eer e la tio n. W ith lo ng r iJ es in th eir a rm s o r s tr a p ped a cro ss th eir b ack s, th ey sm ile , la u gh , a n d w ave b ack to th e c ro w ds th e w ay th e k in g d oes w hen h e p asse s b y. “W hatIs g o in g o n? W ho a re th ese p eo p le ?” m y fr ie n d a sk s m e. “I d onIt k now . IIm g o in g to fin d P a. H e w ill k now .”

“I d onIt k now . IIm g o in g to fin d P a. H e w ill k now .” I r u n u p to m y a p artm en t to H nd P a s ittin g o n o ur b alc o ny o bse rv in g th e e xcite m en t b elo w . C lim bin g o nto h is la p I a sk h im , “P a, w ho a re th ose m en a n d w hy is e very b ody c h eerin g th em ?” “T hey a re s o ld ie rs a n d p eo p le a re c h eerin g b eca u se th e w ar is o ver,” h e r e p lie s q uie tly . “W hat d o th ey w an t? ” “T hey w an t u s,” P a s a ys. “F or w hat? ” “T heyIr e n ot n ic e p eo p le . L ook at th eir sh oes— th ey w ear sa n dals m ad e fr o m c a r tir e s.” A t H ve, I a m o bliv io us to th e e ven ts o f w ar, y et I k now P a to b e b rillia n t, a n d th ere fo re h e m ust b e r ig h t. T hat h e c a n te ll w hat th ese so ld ie rs a re lik e m ere ly b y lo okin g a t th eir sh oes te lls m e e ven m ore a b out h is a ll-p ow erfu l k now le d ge. “P a, w hy th e s h oes? W hy a re th ey b ad ?” “It s h ow s th at th ese p eo p le a re d estr o yers o f th in gs.” I d o n ot q uite u ndersta n d w hat P a m ean s. I o nly h op e th at s o m ed ay I c a n b e h alf a s s m art a s h e is . “I d onIt u ndersta n d.” “T hatIs a ll r ig h t. W hy d onIt y o u g o a n d p la y; d onIt g o fa r a n d s ta y o ut o f p eo p le Is w ay.” Feelin g sa fe r a fte r m y ta lk w ith P a, I c lim b o X h is la p a n d m ak e m y w ay b ack d ow nsta ir s. I a lw ays lis te n to P a, b ut th is tim e m y c u rio sity ta k es o ver w hen I se e th at m an y m ore p eo p le h ave gath ere d in th e str e et. P eo p le e very w here a re c h eerin g th e a rriv al o f th ese s tr a n ge m en . T he b arb ers h ave sto p ped cu ttin g h air a n d a re sta n din g o uts id e w ith sc is so rs still in th eir h an ds. R esta u ra n t o w ners a n d p atr o ns h ave c o m e o ut o f th e r e sta u ra n ts to w atc h a n d c h eer. A lo ng th e s id e s tr e ets , g ro up s o f b oys a n d g ir ls , so m e o n fo ot, so m e o n m oto rc y cle s y ell a n d h onk th eir h orn s a s o th ers ru n u p to th e tr u ck s, sla p pin g a n d to uch in g th e so ld ie rsI h an ds. O n o ur b lo ck , ch ild re n ju m p u p a n d d ow n a n d w ave th eir a rm s in th e a ir to g re et th ese str a n ge m en . E xcite d , I ch eer a n d w ave a t th e s o ld ie rs e ven th ough I d onIt k now w hy. Only a fte r th e tr u ck s h ave p asse d th ro ugh m y str e et a n d th e p eo p le

Only a fte r th e tr u ck s h ave p asse d th ro ugh m y str e et a n d th e p eo p le q uie t d ow n d o I g o h om e. W hen I g et th ere , I a m c o nfu se d to H nd m y w hole fa m ily p ack in g. “W hatIs g o in g o n? W here Is e very b ody g o in g?” “W here h ave y o u b een ? W e h ave to le ave th e h ouse so on, so h urry , g o an d eat yo ur lu nch !” M a is ru nnin g in every dir e ctio n as sh e c o ntin ues to p ack u p o ur h ouse . S h e sc u rrie s fr o m th e b ed ro om to th e liv in g r o om , ta k in g p ic tu re s o f o ur fa m ily a n d th e B uddha o X th e w alls a n d p ile s th em in to h er a rm s. “IIm n ot h ungry .” “D onIt a rg u e w ith m e, ju st g o a n d e at so m eth in g. ItIs g o in g to b e a lo ng tr ip .” I se n se th at M aIs p atie n ce is th in to day a n d d ecid e n ot to p re ss m y lu ck . I s n eak in to th e k itc h en p re p are d n ot to e at a n yth in g. I c a n a lw ays sn eak m y fo od o ut a n d h id e it s o m ew here u ntil it is fo und la te r b y o ne o f o ur h elp ers. T he o nly th in g I am afr a id o f is m y b ro th er K houy. S o m etim es, h e w aits fo r m e in th e k itc h en to m ak e m e e at p ro p er fo od — or e ls e . H ead in g to th e k itc h en , I p oke m y h ead in to m y b ed ro om a n d sp y K eav sh ovin g clo th es in to a b ro w n p la stic b ag. O n th e b ed , G eak sits q uie tly p la yin g w ith a h an dheld m ir ro r w hile C hou th ro w s o ur b ru sh es, c o m bs, a n d h air p in s in to h er s c h ool b ag. As q uie t a s I c a n b e, I tip to e in to th e k itc h en a n d su re e n ough , th ere h e is . H e is fe ed in g h im se lf w ith h is rig h t h an d w hile h is le ft g en tly to uch es a slim b am boo stic k ly in g o n th e k itc h en ta b le . N ext to th e b am boo s tic k is a b ow l o f r ic e a n d s o m e s a lte d e ggs. M ost e ven in gs, th e y o unger k id s in th e h ouse w ill g ath er in th e k itc h en to stu dy C hin ese , a n d a tu to r use s th e bam boo stic k to p oin t out ch ara cte rs on th e b la ck board . In th e h an ds o f m y b ro th er, it is u se d to e d uca te u s a b out so m eth in g e ls e e n tir e ly . I w as ta u gh t to fe ar w hat m y b ro th er w ill d o w ith it if I d o n ot d o a s I a m to ld . I g iv e K houy m y m ost c h arm in g s m ile , b ut th is tim e it d oes n ot w ork . H e ste rn ly te lls m e to w ash up an d eat. In m om en ts lik e th ese I fa n ta siz e a b out h ow m uch I h ate h im . I c a n not w ait u ntil I a m a s s tr o ng a n d as b ig as h e is . T hen I w ill ta k e h im o n an d te ach h im m an y le sso ns. B ut fo r n ow , s in ce I a m th e s m alle r o ne, I h ave to lis te n to h im .

le sso ns. B ut fo r n ow , s in ce I a m th e s m alle r o ne, I h ave to lis te n to h im . I w hin e a n d s ig h w ith e very b ite o f fo od. E very tim e h e lo oks e ls e w here I s tic k o ut m y to ngu e a n d m ak e fa ce s a t h im . Afte r a fe w m in ute s, M a ru sh es in to th e k itc h en a n d b egin s to to ss a lu m in um b ow ls , p la te s, sp oons, fo rk s, a n d k niv es in to a b ig p ot. T he silv erw are cla n gs n ois ily , m ak in g m e jitte ry . T hen p ic k in g u p a clo th b ag, sh e th ro w s bags of su gar, sa lt, drie d H sh , unco oked ric e , an d c a n ned fo ods in to it. In th e bath ro om , K im th ro w s so ap , sh am poo, to w els , a n d o th er a sso rte d ite m s in to a p illo w ca se . “A re n It y o u fin is h ed y et? ” s h e a sk s m e, o ut o f b re ath . “N o.” “W ell, y o u b ette r g o w ash y o ur h an ds a n d g et in to th e tr u ck a n yw ay.” Gla d to e sc a p e fr o m K houy, w ho s its g la rin g a t m e, I h urrie d ly ju m p o ff m y c h air a n d h ead fo r th e b ath ro om . “M a, w here a re w e g o in g in s u ch a h urry ?” I y ell o ut to h er fr o m th e b ath ro om a s K im le aves w ith h is b ag. “Y ouId b ette r h urry a n d c h an ge y o ur s h ir t, th e o ne y o u a re w earin g is d ir ty . T hen g o d ow nsta ir s a n d g et in to th e tr u ck ,” M a te lls m e a s sh e tu rn s a w ay w ith out a n sw erin g. I b elie ve it is b eca u se o f m y a ge th at n o o ne e ver p ays a n y a tte n tio n to m e. It is a lw ays so fr u str a tin g to h ave y o ur q uestio ns u nan sw ere d tim e a n d tim e a gain . F earin g m ore th re ats fr o m K houy, I w alk to m y b ed ro om . The b ed ro om lo oks a s if a m onso on h as p asse d th ro ugh it: clo th es, b arre tte s, s h oes, s o ck s, b elts , a n d s c a rv es a re s tr e w n e very w here — on th e b ed th at C hou a n d I sh are a s w ell a s o n K eavIs b ed . Q uic k ly , I c h an ge o ut o f m y b ro w n ju m per a n d in to a y ello w sh ort-s le eve sh ir t a n d b lu e sh orts I p ic k u p o X th e J oor. O nce H nis h ed , I w alk d ow nsta ir s to w here o ur c a r is . O ur M azd a is b la ck , s le ek , a n d m uch m ore c o m fo rta b le th an rid in g in th e b ack o f o ur tr u ck . R id in g in th e M azd a se ts u s a p art fr o m th e re st o f th e p op ula tio n. A lo ng w ith o ur o th er m ate ria l p osse ssio ns, o ur M azd a te lls e very b ody w e a re fr o m th e m id dle c la ss. D esp ite w hat M a te lls m e, I d ecid ed to h ead to w ard o ur c a r. I b egin to c lim b in to th e M azd a w hen I h ear K im c a ll o ut to m e. “D onIt g et in th ere . P a s a id w eIr e le avin g th e M azd a b eh in d.”

“D onIt g et in th ere . P a s a id w eIr e le avin g th e M azd a b eh in d.” “W hy? I lik e it m ore th an th e tr u ck .” Again , K im is go ne b efo re an sw erin g m y q uestio n. P a b ough t th e tr u ck to u se fo r d eliv erie s fo r th e im port/ exp ort b usin ess h e h ad b rie J y g o ne in to w ith fr ie n ds. T he b usin ess n ever g o t g o in g, so th e tr u ck h as b een sittin g in o ur b ack a lle y fo r m an y m onth s. T he o ld p ic k up tr u ck c re ak s a n d s q ueak s a s K houy th ro w s a c lo th b ag o nto its J oor. In fr o nt, P a tie s a la rg e w hite c lo th to th e a n te n na w hile M en g tie s a n oth er p ie ce to th e sid e m ir ro rs. W ith out a n y w ord s, K houy p ic k s m e u p a n d lo ad s m e o nto th e b ack o f th e tr u ck H lle d w ith b ags o f c lo th es a n d p ots a n d p an s a n d fo od. T he r e st o f m y s ib lin gs c lim b o n b oard a n d w e d riv e o ff. The str e ets o f P hnom P en h a re n ois ie r th an e ver. M en g, K eav, K im , C hou, a n d I sit in th e b ack o f th e tr u ck w hile P a d riv es w ith M a a n d G eak in th e c a b . K houy fo llo w s u s slo w ly o n h is m oto rc y cle . F ro m u p o n our tr u ck , w e hear th e boom in g ro ars of ca rs, tr u ck s, an d m oto rc y cle s, th e ja rrin g rin gs o f th e cy clo sI b ells , th e cla n kin g o f p ots a n d p an s b an gin g a gain st e ach o th er, a n d th e c rie s o f p eo p le a ll a ro und u s. W e a re n ot th e o nly fa m ily le avin g th e c ity . P eo p le p our o ut o f th eir h om es an d in to th e str e ets , m ovin g very slo w ly o ut o f P hnom P en h. L ik e us, so m e are lu ck y an d rid e aw ay in so m e kin d of veh ic le ; h ow ever, m an y le ave o n fo ot, th eir s a n dals J ap pin g a gain st th e s o le s o f th eir fe et w ith e very s te p . Our tr u ck in ch es o n in th e str e ets , allo w in g u s a sa fe vie w o f th e sc e n e. E very w here , p eo p le s c re am th eir g o od-b yes to th ose w ho c h oose to sta y b eh in d; te ars p our fr o m th eir e yes. L ittle c h ild re n c ry fo r th eir m oth ers, sn ot drip pin g fr o m th eir nose s in to th eir op en m outh s. F arm ers h arsh ly w hip th eir co w s a n d o xen to p ull th e w ago ns fa ste r. W om en a n d m en c a rry th eir b elo ngin gs in c lo th b ags o n th eir b ack s a n d th eir h ead s. T hey w alk w ith sh ort, b ris k ste p s, y ellin g fo r th eir k id s to sta y to geth er, to hold each oth erIs han ds, to not get le ft beh in d. I sq ueeze m y body clo se r to Keav as th e w orld m oves in hurrie d c o nfu sio n fr o m th e c ity . The so ld ie rs are every w here . T here are so m an y o f th em aro und, y ellin g in to th eir b ullh orn s, n o lo nger sm ilin g a s I sa w th em b efo re . N ow th ey sh out lo ud, a n gry w ord s a t u s w hile cra d lin g riJ es in th eir a rm s. T hey h olle r fo r th e p eo p le to c lo se th eir s h op s, to g ath er a ll g u ns

a rm s. T hey h olle r fo r th e p eo p le to c lo se th eir s h op s, to g ath er a ll g u ns a n d w eap ons, to su rre n der th e w eap ons to th em . They sc re am at fa m ilie s to m ove fa ste r, to g et o ut o f th e w ay, to n ot ta lk b ack . I b ury m y fa ce in to K eavIs c h est, m y a rm s tig h t a ro und h er w ais t, s tiJ in g a c ry . C hou sits sile n tly o n th e o th er sid e o f K eav, h er e yes sh ut. B esid e u s, K im a n d M en g s it s to ne-fa ce d , w atc h in g th e c o m motio n b elo w . “K eav, w hy a re th e s o ld ie rs s o m ean to u s? ” I a sk , c lin gin g e ven m ore tig h tly to h er. “S h hh. T hey a re c a lle d K hm er R ouge. T hey a re th e C om munis ts .” “W hat is a C om munis t? ” “W ell, it m ean s. … ItIs h ard to e xp la in . A sk P a la te r,” s h e w his p ers. Keav te lls m e th e so ld ie rs cla im to lo ve C am bodia an d its p eo p le v ery m uch . I w onder th en w hy th ey a re th is m ean if th ey lo ve u s so m uch . I c h eere d fo r th em e arlie r to day, b ut n ow I a m a fr a id o f th em . “T ak e a s little a s y o u ca n ! Y ou w ill n ot n eed y o ur city b elo ngin gs! Y ou w ill b e a b le to r e tu rn in th re e d ays! N o o ne c a n s ta y h ere ! T he c ity m ust b e c le an a n d e m pty ! T he U . S . w ill b om b th e c ity ! T he U . S . w ill b om b th e city ! L eave an d sta y in th e co untr y fo r a fe w d ays! L eave n ow !” T he so ld ie rs b la st th ese m essa ges re p eate d ly . I cla p m y h an ds o ver m y e ars a n d I h id e m y fa ce a gain st K eavIs c h est, fe elin g h er a rm s tig h te n a ro und m y s m all b ody. T he s o ld ie rs w ave th eir g u ns a b ove th eir h ead s a n d H re sh ots in to th e a ir to m ak e su re w e a ll u ndersta n d th eir th re ats a re re al. A fte r e ach ro und o f riJ e H re , p eo p le p ush a n d sh ove o ne an oth er in a p an ic k ed fr e n zy tr y in g to evacu ate th e city . I am rid dle d w ith fe ar, b ut I a m lu ck y m y fa m ily h as a tr u ck in w hic h w e c a n a ll r id e s a fe ly fr o m th e p an ic k ed c ro w ds.



e vacu atio n A pril 1 975 A fte r m an y h ours, w e a re  nally o ut o f th e c ity a n d o n th e r o ad , th ough still m ovin g v ery s lo w ly . “W here a re w e g o in g?” I a sk K im re p eate d ly , a fte r it se em s lik e w e h ave b een tr a velin g fo re ver. “I d on’t k now , w e ju st p asse d th e P o C hen to ng a ir p ort, w hic h m ean s w e a re o n H ig h w ay F our. S to p a sk in g m e a ll th e tim e.” I b urro w u nder m y sc a rf to h id e fr o m th e su n a n d re sig n m yse lf to su lk in g. My b ody sa gs a n d I b egin to g ro w tir e d . M y e yelid s str u ggle to sta y o p en a gain st th e g la rin g s u nlig h t a n d th e d ust fr o m th e r o ad . T he w in d w hip s m y h air a ll a b out, tic k lin g m y fa ce , b ut I d o n ot s m ile . I w in ce a s th e h ot, d ry air en te rs m y n ostr ils . K eav w ra p s th e en d o f m y sc a rf tig h tly o ver m y n ose a n d m outh to k eep th e d ust o ut, a n d sh e te lls m e n ot to lo ok o ver th e s id e o f th e tr u ck . In C am bodia w e h ave o nly tw o se aso ns, d ry an d ra in . C am bodia ’s tr o p ic a l clim ate is d ic ta te d b y th e m onso ons, w hic h b rin g h eavy ra in fr o m M ay to O cto ber. K eav s a ys d urin g th e r a in y s e aso n, th e c o untr y is a g re en p ara d is e . S h e s a ys th ere ’s s o m uch w ate r th at th e tr e es g ro w v ery ta ll a n d th e le aves sw ell w ith m ois tu re . T hey ta k e o n a d ark , m eta llic g re en co lo r, lo okin g a s if th ey w ill b urst lik e a w ate r b allo on. B efo re th e m onso ons h it in M ay, w e h ave to e n dure A pril, o ur h otte st m onth , w ith te m pera tu re s ofte n re ach in g no degre es— so hot th at even th e c h ild re n s ta y in doors to a vo id th e s u n. It’s th is h ot n ow . As w e m ove fa rth er an d fa rth er aw ay fr o m th e city , th e h ig h -r is e a p artm en ts dis a p pear an d th atc h ed -r o of huts ta k e th eir pla ce . The

a p artm en ts dis a p pear an d th atc h ed -r o of huts ta k e th eir pla ce . The b uild in gs in th e city a re ta ll a n d clo se to geth er, b ut th e h uts a re lo w - ly in g a n d w id ely d is p erse d in th e m id dle o f th e r ic e  eld s. A s o ur tr u ck m oves s lo w ly in th e c ro w d o f p eo p le , th e w id e, p aved b oule vard g iv es w ay to w in dy, d usty ro ad s th at are n o m ore th an w ago n tr a ils . T all e le p han t g ra ss a n d p ric k ly , b ro w n b ru sh h ave re p la ce d P hnom P en h’s b lo om in g 3 ow ers a n d ta ll tr e es. A q ueasy fe elin g g rip s m e a s I w atc h th e villa ges pass by. A s fa r as th e eye ca n se e, th ere are peo p le m arc h in g in th e ro ad w hile h uts sta n d e m pty a n d ric e  eld s a re le ft u natte n ded . I fa ll a sle ep a n d d re am th at I a m s till a t h om e, s till p la yin g h op sc o tc h w ith m y fr ie n ds. W hen I w ak e w e a re p ark ed n ear a n e m pty h ut to r e st fo r th e n ig h t. W e a re in a w orld v ery d i5 ere n t fr o m P hnom P en h, y et w e have tr a vele d only te n m ile s or so . The su n has go ne dow n, re lie vin g u s o f its b urn in g ra ys. A ll a ro und u s, th e  eld lig h ts u p w ith sm all re s illu m in atin g th e fa ce s of w om en sq uattin g by th em to p re p are m eals . I c a n s till m ak e o ut th ousa n ds o f p eo p le m illin g a ro und o r w alk in g to u nknow n d estin atio ns. O th ers, lik e u s, h ave sto p ped to re st fo r th e n ig h t a lo ng th e r o ad sid e. My fa m ily sc ra m ble s to se t u p o ur e n ca m pm en t in th e  eld n ear a n a b an doned h ut. M y b ro th ers g ath er w ood to b uild a  re , w hile M a a n d K eav p re p are o ur m eal. C hou is b ru sh in g G eak ’s h air , b ein g c a re fu l n ot to p ull it. W hen e very th in g is s e t u p , w e g ath er a ro und th e  re a n d e at a d in ner o f ric e an d sa lte d p ork th at M a co oked earlie r in th e d ay. T here a re n o ta b le s o r c h air s fo r u s to sit o n. W hile w e k id s m ak e d o w ith s q uattin g, m y p are n ts s it o n a little s tr a w m at th at M a h as p ack ed . “I h ave to g o to th e to ile t,” I te ll M a u rg en tly a fte r d in ner. “Y ou h ave to g o in th e w oods.” “B ut w here ?” “A nyw here y o u ca n  nd. W ait, I’l l g et y o u so m e to ile t p ap er.” M a g o es a w ay a n d c o m es b ack w ith a b unch o f p ap er sh eets in h er h an d. M y e yes w id en in d is b elie f, “ M a! It’s m oney. I c a n ’t u se m oney!” “U se it, it is o f n o u se to u s a n ym ore ,” sh e re p lie s, p ush in g th e c ris p sh eets in to m y h an d. I d on’t u ndersta n d th is . I k now th at w e m ust b e in re ally b ig tr o uble . I k now th is is n o tim e to a rg u e, s o I g ra b th e m oney

re ally b ig tr o uble . I k now th is is n o tim e to a rg u e, s o I g ra b th e m oney a n d h ead o ff to th e w oods. Afte r I  nis h , C hou a n d I d ecid e to e xp lo re th e a re a. A s w e w alk , w e h ear le aves ru stlin g in th e b ush es n earb y. O ur b odie s te n se , w e cla sp e ach oth er’s han ds, hold in g our bre ath , but th en a sm all fe lin e silh ouette sa u nte rs la zily out of th e bush es, lo okin g fo r fo od. The o w ners m ust h ave fo rg o tte n it in th eir h urry to le ave. “C hou, I w onder w hat h ap pen ed to o ur c a ts .” “D on’t w orry a b out th em .” We h ad  ve c a ts in P hnom P en h. E ven th ough w e sa y th ey w ere o ur c a ts , w e h ad n o re al cla im to th em . W e d id n’t e ven h ave n am es fo r th em . T hey c a m e to o ur h ouse w hen th ey w ere h ungry a n d le ft w hen th ey w ere b ore d . “W ell, so m eb ody is p ro bab ly h avin g th em fo r d in ner b y n ow ,” K im te ase s u s w hen w e a sk h im . W e a ll la u gh a n d s c o ld h im fo r s a yin g s u ch a th in g. C am bodia n s do not gen era lly eat ca ts an d dogs. T here are sp ecia lty s to re s w here th ey s e ll d og m eat b ut a t a v ery e xp en siv e p ric e . It is a d elic a cy . T he e ld ers s a y th at e atin g d og m eat in cre ase s b ody h eat, th us in cre asin g e n erg y, b ut y o u sh ould n’t e at to o m uch o f it o r y o ur b ody w ill b urn u p a n d c o m bust. That n ig h t, M a tu ck s m e in o n th e b ack o f th e tr u ck . W hile C hou, G eak a n d I sle ep w ith h er o n th e tr u ck , th e o ld er k id s sle ep o n th e g ro und w ith P a. It is a w arm a n d b re ezy n ig h t, th e k in d th at r e q uir e s n o b la n kets . I lo ve sle ep in g outs id e w ith th e sta rs. M y im agin atio n is c a p tu re d b y th e b rig h t s h in in g lig h t, b ut I d on’t u ndersta n d th e v astn ess o f th e s k y. E very tim e I tr y to w ra p m y m in d a ro und th e c o nce p t o f th e u niv erse , m y m in d sp in s a s if ca u gh t in a w hir lp ool o f in fo rm atio n I w ill n ever b e a b le to u ndersta n d. “C hou, th e s k y is s o b ig !” “S h hh. I a m tr y in g to s le ep .” “L ook a t th e s ta rs. T hey a re s o b eau tifu l a n d th ey a re w in kin g a t u s. I w is h I w as u p th ere w ith th em a n d th e a n gels .” “T hat’s n ic e , n ow g o to s le ep .” “Y ou k now th e s ta rs a re c a n dle s in th e s k y. E very e ven in g, th e a n gels

“Y ou k now th e s ta rs a re c a n dle s in th e s k y. E very e ven in g, th e a n gels c o m e o ut a n d lig h t th em fo r u s, s o if w e lo se o ur w ay, w e c a n s till s e e.” Pa h as to ld m e in th e p ast th at I a m b le sse d w ith a g ifte d im agin atio n a n d h e lik es th e s to rie s I te ll. When I aw ak en in th e m orn in g, m y sib lin gs are alr e ad y u p . T hey w ere aw ak en ed b y gu nsh ots  re d in to th e d is ta n t sk y b y th e K hm er R ouge, b ut I w as so tir e d I sle p t th ro ugh it. M y sib lin gs a ll h ave g ra y p ouch es u nder th eir e yes; th eir h air is k notte d a n d s tic k in g o ut in m an y d ir e ctio ns. S lo w ly , I sit u p a n d str e tc h o ut m y so re sh ould ers a n d b ack . S le ep in g in th e tr u ck is n ot a s m uch fu n a s I th ough t it w ould b e. B efo re lo ng, a g ro up o f K hm er R ouge so ld ie rs c o m e b y a n d y ell a t u s to k eep m ovin g. Afte r a sm all b re ak fa st o f ric e a n d sa lte d e ggs, w e g et b ack in o ur tr u ck a n d ta k e o 5 a gain . W e d riv e fo r m an y h ours a n d e very w here w e g o w e s e e p eo p le w alk in g in a ll d ir e ctio ns. T he s u n is h ig h a n d h ot o n o ur b ack s. It b urn s th ro ugh m y b la ck h air a s little b ead s o f w ate r c o lle ct a ro und m y h air lin e a n d o n th e c u rv e o f m y u p per lip . A fte r a w hile , w e a ll g et o n e ach o th er’s n erv es a n d s ta rt to fig h t. “It’s n ot m uch fa rth er, k id s. W e’r e a lm ost th ere ,” P a te lls u s w hen w e sto p to h ave o ur lu nch . “ S o on w e w ill b e w here it is s a fe .” As M a a n d K eav p re p are o ur m eal, P a a n d M en g d is a p pear to g ath er  re w ood. W hen th ey re tu rn , P a te lls K houy th at it is a g o od th in g th at w e g o t o ut o f th e c ity a s q uic k ly a s w e d id . H e sa ys th e p eo p le h e ju st ta lk ed to to ld h im th at th e s o ld ie rs m ad e e very o ne le ave th e c ity . T hey e m ptie d s c h ools , r e sta u ra n ts , a n d h osp ita ls . T he s o ld ie rs e ven fo rc e d th e sic k to le ave. T hey w ere n ot a llo w ed to g o h om e  rst to th eir fa m ilie s so m an y p eo p le a re s e p ara te d . “M an y o ld an d sic k p eo p le d id n ot m ak e it to day,” K houy o 5 ers g rim ly . “I sa w th em on th e sid e of th e str e ets still in th eir blo ody h osp ita l ro bes. S o m e w ere w alk in g a n d o th ers w ere p ush ed in c a rts o r h osp ita l b ed s b y th eir r e la tiv es.” Now I u ndersta n d w hy K eav k ep t w ra p pin g th e sc a rf aro und m y h ead , te llin g m e to k eep m y h ead d ow n, to n ot p eer a b ove th e tr u ck ’s sid es. “T he so ld ie rs w alk ed a ro und th e n eig h borh ood, k nock in g o n a ll th e

“T he so ld ie rs w alk ed a ro und th e n eig h borh ood, k nock in g o n a ll th e d oors, te llin g p eo p le to le ave. T hose w ho r e fu se d w ere s h ot d ead r ig h t o n th eir d oorste p s.” P a s h ak es h is h ead . “W hy a re th ey d oin g th is , P a?” K im a sk s. “B eca u se th ey a re d estr o yers o f th in gs.” Chou an d K im lo ok at each o th er an d I sit th ere fe elin g lo st an d a fr a id . “I d on’t u ndersta n d. W hat d oes a ll th is m ean ?” I a sk th em . T hey lo ok a t m e b ut sa y n oth in g. Y este rd ay I w as p la yin g h op sc o tc h w ith m y fr ie n ds. T oday w e a re r u nnin g fr o m s o ld ie rs w ith g u ns. Afte r a q uic k lu nch o f r ic e w ith s a lte d  sh , w e c lim b in th e tr u ck a n d m ove a gain . I w atc h a s a str e am o f p eo p le se em s to fo llo w o ur tr a il. F ig h tin g d ro w sin ess ca u se d b y th e sm oth erin g h eat, m y th ough ts ra ce fr o m o ne s u bje ct to a n oth er. I q uestio n w hy w e h ad to le ave, w here w e a re g o in g, a n d w hen w ill w e r e tu rn h om e. I d o n ot u ndersta n d w hat is h ap pen in g an d lo ng to go back hom e. T he su dden sp utte rin g an d c h okin g o f o ur tr u ck h alt m y d ayd re am in g. It k ic k s a n d w hin es, a n d fin ally s to p s. I c lim b o ff h op in g it w ill m ove a gain . “T he tr u ck ’s o ut o f p etr o l a n d th ere ’s n o p etr o l s ta tio n a ro und h ere ,” P a sa ys. “L ooks lik e w e h ave to w alk th e re st o f th e w ay. E very b ody g ra b o nly s o m e c lo th es a n d a ll th e fo od y o u c a n c a rry . W e h ave a lo ng w ay to go yet.” P a th en o rd ers u s w hat to ta k e an d w hat to le ave b eh in d. “Y ou!” so m eo ne yells . W e all sto p w hat w e are doin g an d sta n d p ara ly ze d . “Y ou!” A K hm er R ouge so ld ie r co m es over to us. “G iv e m e yo ur w atc h es.” “C erta in ly .” W ith sh ould ers b en t to sh ow su bm is sio n, P a ta k es th e w atc h es o 5 o f M en g a n d K houy’s w ris ts . P a d oes n ot lo ok th e s o ld ie r in th e e yes a s h e h an ds th e w atc h es o ver. “A ll r ig h t, n ow m ove,” th e s o ld ie r o rd ers a n d th en w alk s a w ay. W hen h e is o ut o f e arsh ot, P a w his p ers th at fr o m n ow o n w e a re to g iv e th e so ld ie rs a n yth in g th ey w an t o r th ey w ill s h oot u s. We w alk fr o m th e b re ak o f d ay u ntil th e d ark o f th e e ven in g. W hen

We w alk fr o m th e b re ak o f d ay u ntil th e d ark o f th e e ven in g. W hen n ig h t co m es, w e re st b y th e ro ad sid e n ear a te m ple . W e u np ack th e d rie d  sh a n d ric e a n d e at in sile n ce . G one is th e a ir o f m yste ry a n d e xcite m en t; n ow I a m s im ply a fr a id .



se ven -d ay w alk A pril 1 975 T he  rst sig h t I se e w hen I o p en u p m y e yes th e n ext m orn in g is th e g lu m u p sid e-d ow n fa ce o f C hou a gain st th e b ack gro und o f c lo udy s k ie s a s s h e tu gs a t m y h air . “ W ak e u p . W e h ave to m ove a gain ,” s h e te lls m e. Slo w ly I sit u p a n d ru b th e se ed s o ut o f m y sle ep y e yes. A ll a ro und m e, a s e a o f p eo p le w ak e: b ab ie s c ry , o ld p eo p le g ro an , p ots a n d p an s c la n g a gain st th e sid es o f w ago ns w hose w heels g rin d th e d ir t b en eath th em . T here a re m an y m ore p eo p le th an th e n um bers I k now to c o unt th em w ith . M y eyes fo llo w K houy an d M en g as th ey w alk in to th e te m ple w ith b ig silv er p ots to fe tc h w ate r. K eav sa ys th ere is a lw ays a w ell n ear a te m ple . M om en ts la te r, K houy an d M en g re tu rn vis ib ly sh ak en w ith th eir e m pty p ots . “W e w en t in to th e te m ple b ut fo und n o m onks th ere , o nly a K hm er R ouge so ld ie r,” th ey te ll P a. “ T hey y elle d fo r u s to sta y a w ay fr o m th e te m ple w ell. W e sto p ped an d ca m e b ack b ut o th er p eo p le w en t in a n yw ay— ” K houy’s w ord s are in te rru p te d b y th e so und o f gu nsh ots c o m in g fr o m in sid e th e te m ple . H urrie d ly , w e p ack o ur b elo ngin gs a n d le ave th e a re a. L ate r o n w e h ear th e K hm er R ouge so ld ie rs h ad k ille d tw o p eo p le in sid e th e te m ple a n d w ounded m an y m ore . Today, o ur th ir d d ay o n th e r o ad , I w alk w ith a little m ore b ounce in m y ste p . In P hnom P en h, th e so ld ie rs h ad sa id w e c o uld re tu rn h om e a fte r th re e days. T he so ld ie rs to ld us w e had to le ave beca u se th e U nite d Sta te s w as go in g to b om b o ur city . B ut I h ave n ot se en an y p la n es in th e s k y a n d h ave h eard n o b om bs d ro p ped . It is s tr a n ge to m e th at th ey m ad e u s le ave ju st so w e ca n tu rn b ack a n d g o h om e a fte r th re e d ays. I sm ile a t th e silly p ic tu re o f u s m arc h in g lik e b la ck a n ts

th re e d ays. I sm ile a t th e silly p ic tu re o f u s m arc h in g lik e b la ck a n ts c o m in g to a s to p a t th e e n d o f th e d ay o nly to h ead b ack h om e. I d o n ot u ndersta n d, b ut I g u ess th re e d ays is h ow lo ng it ta k es fo r th em to c le an th e c ity . “P a, w ill w e g o h om e so on? T he so ld ie rs sa id w e ca n re tu rn h om e a fte r th re e d ays.” I tu g a t P a’s p an ts . It is a fte rn oon a n d w e a re n ot e ven slo w in g d ow n y et. “M ayb e, b ut m ean w hile , w e h ave to w alk .” “B ut P a, th is is th e th ir d d ay. A re w e g o in g to tu rn a ro und a n d w alk b ack h om e n ow ?” “N o, w e h ave to k eep w alk in g,” P a s a ys s a d ly . R elu cta n tly , I d o w hat P a te lls m e. E very b ody h as to ca rry so m eth in g, so I p ic k th e sm alle st ite m in th e p ile , th e ric e p ot. A s I w alk , th e p ot b eco m es h eavie r a n d h eavie r in m y h an ds a s th e s u n c lim bs h ig h er a n d h ig h er in th e s k y. T he m eta l h an dle d ig s a n d b urn s th e p alm s o f m y h an ds. S o m etim es I c a rry it w ith tw o h an ds in fr o nt o f m e, o th er tim es I s w itc h th e p ot fr o m m y rig h t to m y le ft arm , b ut it se em s n o m atte r h ow I ca rry it th e p ot p ain fu lly b an gs in to so m e p art o f m y le g. It is e ven in g n ow a n d I a m lo sin g h op e th at w e c a n g o h om e to nig h t. T ir e d a n d h ungry , I d ra g m y fe et, ta k in g sm alle r a n d sm alle r ste p s u ntil I a m fa r b eh in d e very o ne e ls e . “P a, I’m v ery h ungry a n d m y fe et h urt,” I y ell to h im . “Y ou ca n ’t eat n ow . W e h ave very little fo od le ft an d w e n eed to ra tio n it b eca u se w e h ave a lo ng w ay to g o .” “I d on’t k now w hy w e h ave to sa ve it!” I sta n d still in th e ro ad , le ttin g g o o f th e ric e p ot to w ip e d ir t a n d te ars fr o m m y c h eek s. “ O ur th re e d ays w ill s o on b e o ver. W e c a n r e tu rn h om e. L et’s ju st g o h om e. I w an t to go h om e.” T he w ord s so m eh ow co m e o ut b etw een h altin g so bs. M y fo rty -p ound b ody r e fu se s to w alk a n y m ore . T he r e d d ust fr o m th e r o ad a n d th e s w eat o n m y b ody h as m ix ed to c re ate a la yer o f m ud o n m y s k in m ak in g it d ry a n d itc h y. P a w alk s o ver to K eav a n d ta k es a b all o f stic k y ric e o ut o f th e p ot sh e is c a rry in g. H e c o m es o ver to m e a n d h an ds m e th e fo od. M y eyes lo ok d ow n a t th e g ro und in s h am e, b ut I ta k e th e fo od fr o m h im a n yw ay. S ile n tly , h e str o kes m y h air w hile I e at m y ric e b etw een c h okin g so bs. B en din g d ow n, P a lo oks m e in m y

e at m y ric e b etw een c h okin g so bs. B en din g d ow n, P a lo oks m e in m y e yes an d sa ys so ftly , “T hey lie , th e so ld ie rs lie . W e ca n not go h om e to nig h t.” H is w ord s m ak e m e s o b h ard er. “B ut th ey s a id th re e d ays.” “I k now . I’m s o rry y o u b elie ved th em , b ut th ey lie d .” “I d on’t u ndersta n d w hy th ey lie d ,” m y v o ic e q uiv ers a s I s a y it. “I d on’t k now e ith er, b ut th ey lie d to u s.” M y h op es c ru sh ed , I w ip e m y fo re arm a cro ss m y n ose , d ra ggin g s n ot a ll o ver m y c h eek . P a g en tly c le an s m y fa ce w ith h is h an d, th en ta k es th e r ic e p ot fr o m m e a n d s a ys I o nly h ave to c a rry m yse lf fo r th e r e st o f th e tr ip . With G eak o n h er h ip , M a w alk s o ver to m e an d w ra p s m y sc a rf a ro und m y h ead to p ro te ct m e fr o m th e su n. I w is h th at I w ere a little b ab y lik e G eak . S h e d oesn ’t h ave to w alk a t a ll. M a c a rrie s h er in h er a rm s a ll th e w ay. I a m m is e ra b le , b ut a t le ast I h ave s h oes. S o m e o f th e p eo p le w alk bare fo ot in th e sc o rc h in g heat, ca rry in g th eir life ’s b elo ngin gs o n th eir b ack s o r h ead s. I fe el so rry fo r th em k now in g th ey a re w orse o  th an I a m . A nd n o m atte r h ow fa r w e g o , th ere a re a lw ays m ore p eo p le a lo ng th e w ay. W hen n ig h t fa lls , o nce a gain w e m ak e th e ro ad o ur h om e an d sle ep , alo ng w ith th e h undre d s o f th ousa n ds o f o th er fa m ilie s fle ein g P hnom P en h. Our fo urth d ay o n th e ro ad sta rts th e sa m e a s th e a ll th e o th er d ays. “ A re w e th ere y et? ” I k eep a sk in g K im . W hen I re ce iv e n o a tte n tio n, I p ro ce ed to s n iff a n d c ry . “N obody c a re s a b out m e!” I m oan a n d k eep w alk in g a n yw ay. By n oontim e w e h ave r e ach ed th e K hm er R ouge’s m ilita ry c h eck p oin t in th e to w n o f K om B au l. T he ch eck p oin t co nsis ts o f n o m ore th an a fe w sm all m ak esh ift te n ts w ith tr u ck s p ark ed b esid e th em . T here a re m an y s o ld ie rs a t th is b ase , a n d it is e asy to r e co gn iz e th em b eca u se th ey w ear id en tic a l lo ose - ttin g bla ck p aja m a p an ts an d sh ir ts . A ll ca rry id en tic a l g u ns slu ng a cro ss th eir b ack s. T hey m ove q uic k ly fr o m p la ce to p la ce w ith  ngers o n th e tr ig gers o f th eir w eap ons, p acin g b ack a n d fo rth in fr o nt o f th e c ro w d, y ellin g in str u ctio ns in to a b ullh orn . “T his is K om B au l b ase ! Y ou a re n ot a llo w ed to p ass u ntil w e h ave c le are d y o u! S ta n d w ith y o ur fa m ily in a lin e! O ur co m ra d e so ld ie rs w ill co m e a n d a sk a fe w sim ple q uestio ns! Y ou a re to a n sw er th em

w ill co m e a n d a sk a fe w sim ple q uestio ns! Y ou a re to a n sw er th em tr u th fu ll y an d n ot lie to th e A ngk ar! If y o u lie to th e A ngk ar, w e w ill  nd o ut! T he A ngk ar is a ll-k now in g a n d h as e yes a n d e ars e very w here .” T his is th e  rst tim e I hear th e w ord “A ngk ar,” w hic h m ean s “th e o rg an iz a tio n.” P a s a ys th e A ngk ar is th e n ew g o vern m en t o f C am bodia . H e te lls us th at in th e p ast, Prin ce Sih an ouk ru le d C am bodia as a m onarc h . Then in 1970, unhap py w ith th e Prin ce ’s go vern m en t, G en era l Lon N ol, dep ose d him in a m ilita ry co up . The Lon N ol d em ocra tic go vern m en t has been gh tin g a civ il war with th e C om munis t K hm er R ouge e ver sin ce . N ow th e K hm er R ouge h as w on th e w ar a n d its g o vern m en t is c a lle d “ th e A ngk ar.” “T o yo ur rig h t, yo u se e a ta b le w here yo ur co m ra d e bro th ers sit w aitin g to help yo u. Anyo ne w ho has w ork ed fo r th e dep ose d g o vern m en t, e x-s o ld ie rs o r p olitic ia n s, ste p u p to th e ta b le to re gis te r fo r w ork . T he A ngk ar n eed s y o u rig h t a w ay.” A nxie ty sp re ad s th ro ugh m y b ody a t th e sig h t o f th e K hm er R ouge so ld ie rs. I fe el lik e I h ave to v o m it. Pa q uic k ly g ath ers o ur fa m ily a n d s ta n ds u s in lin e w ith o th er p easa n t fa m ilie s. “ R em em ber, w e a re a fa m ily o f p easa n ts . G iv e th em w hate ver th ey w an t a n d d on’t a rg u e. D on’t s a y a n yth in g, le t m e d o a ll th e ta lk in g, d on’t g o a n yw here , a n d d on’t m ak e a n y m oves u nle ss I te ll y o u to d o so ,” P a in str u cts u s fir m ly . Sta n din g in lin e w ed ged am ong m an y peo p le , m y nostr ils are a ssa u lte d b y th e sta le sm ell o f b odie s th at h ave n ot b een w ash ed fo r m an y d ays. T o  lte r th e s m ell, I p ull th e s c a rf tig h tly o ver m y n ose a n d m outh . In fr o nt o f u s, th e lin e sp lits in tw o as a la rg e gro up o f ex- so ld ie rs, g o vern m en t w ork ers, a n d fo rm er p olitic ia n s w alk o ver to th e ta b le to re gis te r fo r w ork . M y h eart p ounds q uic k ly a gain st m y ch est, b ut I sa y n oth in g a n d le an a gain st P a’s le gs. H e re ach es d ow n a n d p uts h is h an d o n to p o f m y h ead . It s ta ys th ere a s if p ro te ctin g m e fr o m th e su n a n d th e s o ld ie rs. A fte r a fe w m in ute s, m y h ead fe els c o ole r a n d m y h eartb eat s lo w s. Ahead o f u s in th e lin e, K hm er R ouge so ld ie rs y ell so m eth in g to th e c ro w d, b ut I c a n not h ear w hat th ey s a y. T hen o ne K hm er R ouge s o ld ie r ro ugh ly je rk s a b ag o ff o f o ne m an ’s s h ould er a n d d um ps its c o nte n ts o n th e g ro und. F ro m th is p ile , a K hm er R ouge s o ld ie r p ic k s u p a n o ld L on

th e g ro und. F ro m th is p ile , a K hm er R ouge s o ld ie r p ic k s u p a n o ld L on N ol arm y u nifo rm . T he K hm er R ouge so ld ie r sn eers at th e m an an d p ush es h im to a n oth er K hm er R ouge so ld ie r sta n din g b esid e h im . T he so ld ie r th en m oves o n to th e n ext fa m ily . E yes d ow nca st, sh ould ers slu m ped , a rm s h an gin g lo ose ly o n b oth s id es o f h im , th e m an w ith th e L on N ol u nifo rm in h is b ag d oes n ot  gh t as an oth er K hm er R ouge so ld ie r p oin ts a n d p ush es h im a w ay w ith th e b utt o f h is r ifle . Afte r m an y h ours, it is  nally o ur tim e to b e q uestio ned . I ca n te ll w e’v e b een sta n din g h ere a lo ng tim e b eca u se th e su n n ow w arm s m y lo w er b ack in ste ad o f th e to p o f m y h ead . A s a K hm er R ouge so ld ie r a p pro ach es u s, m y sto m ach tw is ts in to tig h t k nots . I le an clo se r to P a a n d r e ach u p fo r h is h an d. P a’s h an d is m uch to o b ig fo r m in e, s o I a m o nly a b le to w ra p m y fin gers a ro und h is in dex fin ger. “W hat d o y o u d o?” th e s o ld ie r c u rtly a sk s P a. “I w ork a s a p ack er in th e s h ip pin g p ort.” “W hat d o y o u d o?” T he s o ld ie r p oin ts h is fin ger a t M a. H er e yes fo cu s o n th e gro und, an d sh e sh ifts G eak ’s w eig h t o n h er h ip s. “I se ll o ld c lo th es in th e m ark et,” s h e s a ys in a b are ly a u dib le v o ic e . The so ld ie r ru m mages th ro ugh all o ur b ags o ne b y o ne. T hen h e b en ds d ow n a n d lifts th e lid o f th e ric e p ot n ext to P a’s fe et. G rip pin g P a’s  nger e ven tig h te r, m y h eart r a ce s a s th e s o ld ie r c h eck s th e p ot. H is fa ce is c lo se to m in e; I c o nce n tr a te o n m y d ir ty to es. I d are n ot lo ok in to h is e yes, fo r I h ave b een to ld th at w hen y o u lo ok in to th eir e yes, y o u c a n s e e th e d evil h im se lf. “A ll r ig h t, y o u a re c le are d . Y ou m ay g o .” “T han k yo u, co m ra d e,” P a sa ys m eek ly , h is h ead b obbin g u p an d d ow n to th e so ld ie r. T he so ld ie r is a lr e ad y lo okin g p ast P a a n d m ere ly w aves h is h an d fo r u s to h urry o n. P assin g th e ch eck p oin t sa fe ly , w e w alk a fe w hours m ore until th e su n go es to sle ep beh in d th e m ounta in s a n d th e w orld b eco m es a p la ce o f s h ad ow s a n d s h ap es o nce a gain . In th e m ass o f p eo p le , P a  nds u s a sp ot o f u noccu p ie d g ra ss n ear th e s id e o f th e r o ad . M a p uts G eak d ow n n ext to m e a n d te lls m e to k eep a n e ye o n h er. S ittin g n ext to h er, I a m s tr u ck b y h ow p ale s h e lo oks. B re ath in g q uie tly , s h e  gh ts to k eep h er e yelid s o p en , b ut in th e e n d sh e lo se s a n d fa lls to sle ep . H er g ro w lin g sto m ach ta lk s a s m in e

e n d sh e lo se s a n d fa lls to sle ep . H er g ro w lin g sto m ach ta lk s a s m in e g ru m ble s in r e tu rn . K now in g th ere w ill b e n oth in g to e at fo r a w hile , I lie d ow n o n a s m all b undle o f c lo th es n ext to h er a n d r e st m y h ead o n a n oth er. Q uic k ly , I to o fa ll a sle ep . When I w ak e, I am sittin g u p rig h t o n th e str a w m at an d K eav is p ush in g fo od in to m y m outh . “ E at th is ,” s h e s a ys. “ R ic e b alls w ith w ild m ush ro om s. K houy an d M en g p ic k ed th e m ush ro om s in th e w oods.” W ith m y e yes s till c lo se d , th e r ic e b all w ork s its e lf s lo w ly d ow n m y d ry th ro at a n d q uie ts m y h unger. A fte r I  nis h m y s m all p ortio n, I lie b ack d ow n a n d le ave th e w orld o f th e K hm er R ouge s o ld ie rs b eh in d. In th e m id dle o f th e n ig h t I d re am I a m a t a N ew Y ear’s p ara d e. T he C am bodia n L unar N ew Y ear th is y ear fa lls o n th e th ir te en th o f A pril. T ra d itio nally , fo r th re e d ays an d n ig h ts , w e ce le b ra te th e N ew Y ear w ith p ara d es, fo od, an d m usic . In m y d re am ,  re w ork s cra ck le an d b oom n ois ily , re jo ic in g in th e N ew Y ear ce le b ra tio n. T here a re m an y v arie tie s o f fo od o n th e ta b le : r e d c o okie s, r e d c a n die s, r e d r o aste d p ig s, a n d re d n oodle s. E very th in g is re d . I’m e ven w earin g a n ew re d d re ss th at M a h as m ad e fo r th is sp ecia l o cca sio n. In th e C hin ese c u ltu re it is n ot p ro p er fo r gir ls to w ear th is co lo r b eca u se it attr a cts to o m uch a tte n tio n. O nly gir ls w ho w an t atte n tio n w ear re d an d th ey are g en era lly v ie w ed a s “ b ad ” a n d “ im pro p er,” m ore th an lik ely fr o m a b ad fa m ily . B ut N ew Y ear’s is a s p ecia l o cca sio n a n d d urin g th e c e le b ra tio n e very o ne is a llo w ed to w ear r e d . C hou is n ext to m e c la p pin g h er h an ds a t so m eth in g. G eak is g ig glin g a n d tr y in g to c a tc h u p w ith m e a s I ru n a n d sp in a ro und a n d a ro und. W e a ll h ave o n th e sa m e d re ss. W e lo ok so p re tty w ith re d rib bons in o ur p onyta ils , re d ro uge o n o ur ch eek s, a n d re d lip stic k o n o ur lip s. M y sis te rs a n d I h old h an ds, la u gh in g a s fir e w ork s b oom in th e b ack gro und. I w ak e u p th e n ext m orn in g to th e v o ic e s o f m y b ro th ers a n d fa th er w his p erin g to e ach o th er a b out w hat w en t o n in th e n ig h t. “P a,” M en g sa ys in a fr ig h te n ed v o ic e , “ a m an to ld m e th e n ois e la st n ig h t w as th e K hm er R ouge s o ld ie rs o p en in g  re o n a ll th e p eo p le w ho re gis te re d fo r w ork . T hey k ille d e very o ne o f th em .” T heir w ord s p ush a t m y te m ple s, m ak in g m y h ead th ro b w ith fe ar. “D on’t s a y a n yth in g. If th e s o ld ie rs h ear u s w e w ill b e in d an ger.”

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